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Life is getting better and better and better all the time. It's amazing what you come to appreciate when you come back from the absolute bottom in any sense. I don't know, one of the best and worst parts about it is being completely at a loss for words about it. I can tell you that my friends and writing pulled me out of the abyss, that even when fandom was destroying my soul (because for me that's what it was doing) writing was a thread that kept the pieces of myself together... that I know one day I'll probably be able to look at that writing with a critical eye and say I learned something from it... that I still have pieces from that era that fill me with joy (some of which fill you guys with joy too)... I can tell you that my characters kept me alive, that I can now mark out where I was on my harrowing, crazy journey with distinct pieces of writing, that I produced an incredible body of work that one day I'll be proud of instead of just freaked out by... I mean, this is a point that Molly makes to me all the time: I was at my absolute lowest and while at that low point I still wrote a freaking novel(la). I didn't KNOW how low I was, but now I do, and there was still lower to go from there, basically becoming non-verbal... but somehow even when I could barely talk or string two sentences together I wrote. When I was sleeping 20 hours a day every day, I also wrote every day. There's pretty much no other proof I need that writing stitches me together on every level. I am a writer. The only people I've ever really, really needed (or accepted help from, when things were really grim) are the people in my head. It sounds kind of woo woo crazy, but I think that's just the life of an artist. I love everyone I've come back to fiercely (I tell my best friends that I love them every day, I make a very big point of this), but I don't need people as much as I need words. Words are oxygen, and characters run the O2 tanks.

I've had some of the same characters since I was nineteen years old. The idea of "losing them" has kept me from writing their book for a long time. Then my friend Phillip, who has been a godsend this past year (yes, the one who talked me down from a bible-related panic attack), who thinks like a writer all the time despite "not being a writer," told me about J. Michael Straczynski, the writer of Babylon 5. JMS is pretty epic. Not only did he do B5 but also Murder She Wrote and SHE-RA. Anyway, JMS makes a point of continuing to talk about Londo and G'Kar, two of the main characters of B5. They still follow him around and talk to him.

I think it was then that it finally sunk in that I'm probably not going to lose Doug and Jer by putting them on the page.

So this year I committed to my writing. I committed to Doug and Jer. I'm now in a writing class that's more than a writing class. Its subtitle is "career survival school for writers." I really like those words. Especially career.

I may not ever make a shit-ton of money. I have to be careful about SSI. But I write from my blood, from my very atoms, and I can always use that. Thank God (pretty much literally) I came back from what I came back from. I can thank God and words and my friends, pretty much in that order. Coming back from the abyss is why I believe in all those things more strongly than I ever have before. I can always use what I have, whether I just write for my friends, my family, or all the people looking for a character like Doug and Jer. I'm not in this to make money. I'm in this because words are my medium. They're why I'm here. They're what I'm supposed to do. The fact that I am afforded that opportunity again and again is amazing, and I will never squander it. Committing to that basic truth about myself is the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and THAT'S what's going to enable me to help other people.

It's only getting better.

Hey, boys. Thanks for waiting for me. This is our year. I'm going to write a SHIT TON of books.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." - Maya Angelou (just found this quote today. Bam. Thanks, Maya.)

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I am not really keeping track to make sure this happens every 24 hours... Ah well. Staying in what my friend Julia calls "easy world" about it. :)

I have a ton of things to be grateful for today, but I'll keep it to the usual three.

- I'm really grateful for the support I got yesterday and that nobody freaked out and got offended. Especially grateful to Phillip for talking me out of a panic attack. I took all your comments to heart and they all helped. :)

- I remain grateful for Desmond, my case manager. He's such a badass. He's helping me work out what to do about how I got surprise!zealots working for me because they were just foisted on me.

- I'm really grateful for the Internet, even though I need to work a lot on my net addiction. Workflowy and Spotify are kicking so much ass for me right now. (You guys, check out Workflowy! SO COOL. Evernote is neat too.) And I have such a badass soundtrack for Doug and Jer going now... Decided to just scrap the old one (lost a long time ago but I was holding out hope that [livejournal.com profile] maccaj would be able to resurrect it for me from her files) and rebuild. It was a lot of fun, and because of Spotify I could pretty much pick from ANYTHING. :D And [livejournal.com profile] devinlind totally immediately subscribed to it there. LOL.
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Fuck yeah. I just totally exploded a huge writing block this week. Hopefully I will be restarting a crappy-ass crappy draft of the perennial novel in progress starting tomorrow. (I'd say today, but I've gotten 3 hours of sleep in 2 shifts, and I feel like I've been kicked in the head. :P)

I miss the bits I had already written... but they're gone now, and the only way to have a completed draft is to just start somewhere and go forward.

Also: Chaz Bono is awesome. That is all.
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Jer and I like this song. There are a few ways to read it for me, but I think we both like it because it's kind of the way the parentals were, and kind of reminds me of what happens when you go from being a cute little "sellable" gimp who needs to be kept down and controlled by ABs to, well, whatever you become when you stop being cute.

Or it could just mean I was raised to be a spoiled brat and then ditched, 'cause that totally happened too. ;)

In other news:

Dear Doug and Steve,

Write "Home" faster, you guys! COME ON. ;) (Jer's getting bored waiting for his scene...)


In still other news, man, Facebook keeps giving me this ad for a shirt that says, "Jedi for Jesus," and every time Jer sees it he's like, "LEAVE MY UNIVERSE OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE, GOD DAMMIT."

This is why I keep him. ;)
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What a whirlwind week. I hope everyone had a good holiday this year, whichever yours was. I am unsure if I have ever been so ready for a new year. I don't really want to get into it, but yeah, damn.

Good things about 2011:

- I'm here.
- I stopped being crazy.
- I started up my energy work practice again. A bit.
- I got back in touch with my best friend after this sort of fugue thing I was going through. I will never let her out of my (vast electronic) sight again.
- I got rid of several abusive PCAs and am in general taking back control of several things on that score.
- Writing. If there's one thing I proved in 2011, it's that my sanity is tied to writing. It kept some tiny part of my rational self alive. I wrote almost every day this year. Even when I felt half-dead and hopeless. I think that means I'm a writer.
- The day I stopped fighting tooth and nail with my roommate because we realized the instigators were aformentioned abusive PCAs.
- Maternal grandmother survived a third round with cancer.
- Holy shit, goodbye DADT! This is why Obama is my President.
- Escape from duck nation SUCCEEDED. Extraction from psycho weird bad relationship with She of t he Spider Phobia completed.
- Writing Doug and Jer again! And Treasa and Steve and Brian! HEE. So awesome.
- Finding Pandora
- New connections with old friends.

The bad things about 2011:
- Paternal grandmother diagnosed with cancer.
- Death, death, death, death, death, and more death on the side, including my neighbor and friend on 12/26.
- SPN cons, the wasting of my money.
- I suck at money exponentially. Wow.

There are plenty of terrible things going on... but I honestly can't think of that many. My positives WAY outweigh the negatives... Surprised by that, honestly. I feel like this year's been TERRIBLE. I will say it's been pretty much 24/7 STRESS. Can't get a stable PCA situation to save my life. That's the main stress. Having people in my home FREAKS ME OUT. I'm committed in 2012 to learning/re-learning skills so that I can minimize the presence of PCAs as much as possible. I can't minimize the hours they're here, though, because if I do they'll cut my hours... so... yeah. Stressful situation is stressful. But... at least I am slowly taking back the situation.

I'm tired and avoiding writing something. Second time ever that Doug's father has come asking me to write something... in 11 years. Heh. Hi, Marcus. So apparently I have a side project for when I'm not working on "Home" with maccaj.

It's 2012 and we haven't all disappeared in the Mayan Rapture or whatever the hell's slated for right about now. Which is good, cause I've had enough death for 5 people this year.
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Finally started messing around with Pandora. Pandora is EPIC. So been reading song lyrics and such, and suddenly I miss writing poetry, even though I haven't written regularly since I was a teenager... (Yeah, typical.) Feeling nostalgic and kind of inadequate.

Really itching to get back to Jer and Doug's book. I got a long way to go in terms of my health before I can dedicate spoons to it, either mentally or physically. But I do think about them most days and slowly I am planning the little things. Doing a lot of roleplay with them as well...which is not the same as solo writing at all, but at least I feel like I'm talking to them regularly and keeping them in the forefront of my mind.

So impossibly tired. This flare needed to be over several months ago. In phone tag with my doc. Just for fun, you know... 'Cause they can't give me a straight answer about anything thanks to HIPAA. I mean, really, who else is going to call my doc about pictures of my small intestine? Ooh, better protect me from myself!

*twiddles thumbs*

At least I only feel like it's a crohns flare now, and not OHMYGOD I'M IN MORE PAIN THAN EVER IN MY LIFE and not being able to get out of bed or walk around my house. Cause that...was a whole level of special I never want to revisit. Ever. Again.

At the end of the day, I am pretty blessed. :) Thanks for being out there, as usual, guys.

Here's the song I was gonna post on Thanksgiving before Jer got obsessed with little lego people with lightsabers and took over my brain.... *grin*

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Doug would like it to be known that he really likes this

Read more... )

and this
Read more... )

And they both like this:
Read more... )

He would also like to thank the small subset of my flist who are reading his and Jer’s strange missives. They had a bit of a hard time with people last time they came to LJ. He appreciates you guys. :D

New fic hopefully in the coming work week....
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I’ll take Things My Characters Have Never Told Me Before for 1000, Alex.

Holy shit. Well, then.

Now if I could just figure out the rest of the story that goes around this scene....
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Had a friend tell me today that since I started writing my own stuff again I am much more myself. Had another friend concur. It is nice. On that subject, the boys have been bombarding me with story ideas. I have 3 of them percolating in my head. (2 of them from Jer, one from Doug.) The boys tell me to just go with it and hang on for the ride. They are going to write them, I am just the typist (which is how I feel about ”First Light.” I barely wrote that.). Each of them are going to be interesting. I wonder if they will each resolve into their own story, or what... In my head FL was two stories that ultimately resolved into one (and I think the story was better for it. Gave it layers.) They are still rejoicing that I finally aged them up and they can use some adult themes now, so I can tell you that all of them will push the envelope a little. I don’t write easy stories when it comes to these boys. Never have, never will. They aren’t here for that.

*happy sigh* Doug got his first hug in three years from Treasa in RP today. It was kind of beyond amazing. They never left, no matter how deep into fandom I went or how utterly bugfuck I went. I cannot tell you how amazing and insane that is. *is very, very loved*
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New Doug and Jer up. It is exceedingly gay, kinky and definitely porny. Gimp porn is never just porn, though. We can’t really afford for it to be. It lives on LJ, as before--no one from DW is in the locked group anyway. If you want to be in the group, let me know. I think I have picked up everyone.

Man, they have been waiting for me to be ready to write that for 11 years. (It took a LOT of convincing. I have kept them way too young for this piece in my head for the whole time I have known them.)
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New Doug-n-Jer drabbles are posted. They live on LJ, because when I use custom groups on DW it crashes crossposting. If you want to see the drabbles, they live here: http://samidha.livejournal.com/1319651.html ...Leave me a comment and I will add you to the friends group.

Unlike the last set of drabbles, which I didn’t actually try to limit by length, these are 100 words each... so the piece is only 500 words. I need for there to be more. I miss my boys. So there will probably be more, although I dunno when. If I funnel all the energy I spend generally on fanfic into these boys then there will be more, and soon, but writing my boys always makes me way more nervous so who knows... (The running commentary on this--from them--in my head is interesting but I won’t reproduce it. That would be a bit weird and self-indulgent.)
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This break from fandom is interesting. Wrote five drabbles today with my original characters in. I was going to post, but Doug is feeling shy. He wants me to practice more before I start showing him and Jer off again. Last time I showed them to a fannish crowd, it didn’t go that well.

I may post them flocked, but I don’t know who to lock it to besides Maccaj. If you really want to meet Doug and Jer, you could always leave a comment here and I could hook you up. But if anyone complains they are, you know, original characters, I will probably get bitchy. :P

On a related note, I wasn’t sure Jer was speaking to me at all... he is angry with me for going away. But he narrated the drabbles, so I guess I really have nothing to fear. We will eventually work it out. :)
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Things I am pondering today while I get ready for con day 1:

I really want to write a story based on Drown Out. Really really.

The question is if it would feature Doug and Jeremy or not.

Both times I have gotten ready for con I come away a little dubious about fandom in general. I don’t like the Creation staff. It is rather like cattle herding in there. There are deeply annoying parts of the whole process. And then there are the questions that make you cringe.

Frequently I take little breaks from fandom. Some of them are micro-breaks (forcing myself to write original fic before I come back, like I did this week.) Sometimes they are FUCK IT ALL breaks, like I took during season 5 (although I still watched.)

I am not sure what kind of break I am going to be tempted to take after the con, but I do plan to take one.... Jeremy and I have a lot to sort out, and he has more than earned his turn. Maccaj can’t have him living at her house forever, as much as it pleases me that he has somewhere to go.

I dunno, right now just tired and regretful. Jer is watching me, and he doesn’t look murderous, but neither of us are talking about it yet either. :P
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So that anonymous person got under my skin and was all: P.S. have some more about what I know about codependency.

And it really pissed me off.

So apparently I am now writing a meta on codependency in the Winchester world and it is probably going to piss off half the fandom. How dare we talk about it, how dare I label the looooove. I can already see it now.

Mmm, yummy, fangirl brains. I shall eat them.

So if I never emerge from the land of meta, someone come get me a la Sam in Gossamer, okay? ;) If no one comes to get me I will miss ficcing a hell of a lot.

For a beta: [livejournal.com profile] tahirire, I choose you!

Dear Dean,

Thanks for making me dream about what I would write. Don’t you know essays are boring? Jesus Christ.

Just kidding. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Man, you were really seriousface when you told me you wanted me to do this, weren’t you.

Just so you know, this means your next fic is going to be late.


P.S.: The reason I am really letting you guys know this in advance: If any of you want to nominate moments in the show as examples of codependency my door is wide open although I can’t promise I will use them.

P.P.S.: Does anyone know of any other metas on this?
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Duuuuuuuude. Fucking YES! I have my ending, and the concept is fucking perfect, and it is going to brake fangulls. It needs to be expanded, but after struggling with what to do AT ALL for days on end this is such a relief. Plus, it is just fucking AWESOME and so badass! (There is totally badass Sam and badass Dean, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!) Okay, NOW I am proud of this fic.

*bounces crazily* YESSSSSSS.

Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

Sorry for being a spammy mofo. You guys have no idea how many posts I could have made about this bunny... IT ATE MY BRAIN.
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Arrrrrrgh. This ending is kicking my ass--as in, I don’t really have one. I keep trying stuff that doesn’t work. I am on like my third complete rewrite of the last 500 words. :P

At some point I am just going to have to pick one and post it. But not before Tuesday. :)

15 days of near non-stop writing. I really hope you guys like this one. I feel like I am bleeding out onto the page, here. ;)

ETA: LOL, and this is why I hang out with my MOO crowd:

Samidha (waiting) [to Singing]: I need a better title. :P
Singing says to you, "How about QUEEN"
Singing says, "?"
Singing says, "Or just Duchess?"
You say, "that would be pretty awesome"
You say, "but I need one for this story."
Singing says, "OH."
Singing says, "'The Cactus Farmer /or/ A Fortnight on the River Thames With a Squid Named Charles'"
Singing says, "(I'll invoice you later)"
Govic says, "The Moosening: Moose Cometh"

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Stalled on the bunny not because I can’t write but because I’m not sure my plan is gonna hold together. The first 2/3 of the story rock. Sprinting toward the end has made me realize I am sprinting toward the end and I’m not sure it is a good thing. :P

So right now I am taking a break and watching Smallville. I am going to rename this show to The Show Of Extremely Dubious Consent, because there has been ONE episode in all the ones I have watched which DIDN’T in some way have a dub-con theme. People having sex when they are on some form of meteor rock cocktail. People doing things against their character, then finding themselves in random places without memory of what they’ve done. It happens over and over and over and over again. Which leads me to the following specific Jason Teague spoiler.

Read more... )

I think what this means is I can never complain about writing on Supernatural again. This show uses THE SAME GIMMICK EVERY WEEK with an overabundance of CGI shiny colors, and it is creepybad.

Don’t get me started on the relationships portrayed either. ”Oh, I lied to you.” ”Which time?” ”But it was because I LOVE you so much.” ”...Oh.” *cuddling*

...Ugh. What the fuck, Jason Teague. Dude, I don’t even know what’s going on with you and you’re the one I’m watching closest. DID YOUR MOTHER FEED YOU KRYPTONITE OR SOMETHING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? And it is only going to get worse.

On the other hand, the best thing about Smallville is actually Lois. She is the Dean! She can drink anyone under the table! She can beat people up like crazy! She raised her wee sister! She was underappreciated while being assumed to be the favorite! SHE IS THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAN. I actually like her! I suddenly no longer get irritated at the idea of Clark marrying her. I mean, she is THE DEAN.

Okay, so it is an archetype, but it is one I really love. You all might have noticed.

Dear Gods, don’t let me get sucked into the Amazing Dub Con show... any more than I am right now. :P

Executive Decision: After thinking about it some more and needing some kind of recourse after this amazing dub con ride, I have decided to watch Dollhouse. It is probably ALSO a Dub-con-y show, in fact that is why I stopped watching it before, but it also strikes me as having themes similar to Dark Angel and I am intrigued enough to at least give it a second try. Also, again, it will be short.
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So it was a good thing I went to check on my Amazon order of Dark Angel.

See, I have an alternate address where a lot of my spam ends up going to. I send my Amazon orders there because Amazon is a spammy company (IMO). Anyway, my order went to that address and I went to check on it and it was canceled due to the item being out of stock with the third party seller. So I went back and found new third party people and ended up ordering the seasons separately. Plus I threw in the SPN anime (Hi, Jared, you totally sold me on it, just so you know. ;) ANIME SAM FOR THE WIN.). I got all three for $52. And if they cancel these ones A) I will probably still get at least one of the two sets, and B) there are plenty more third party sellers where those came from.

I ALMOST bought the soundtrack to Tekkon Kinkreet in light of what I was saving, but for the second time it was too rich for my blood (It is an import, and boy can you tell.).

In other news, I think it is official. I am totally on a Dark Angel bender. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS AMAZINGNESS?! WHY HADN’T I SEEN IT BEFORE SF-CON?! God DAMMIT. Why do I not have magic psychic powers that would have let me know to INHALE this series so I could ask Jensen a bunch of questions and take up time so that little fandom bitches who complain about their hair didn’t get to waste time at the mic?


So whatever, I wasn’t going to write in DA, but then there was BEN. and Rachel Berrisford. And torture and psy-ops and brainwashing and children with shaven heads, and now I am on my second bunny which is turning epic, and I have a third bunny thanks to SPN-bitesized READING MY MIND (or maybe just my Dreamwidth) and I better be done with this bender by August 7 when I see Jared, because I feel like I am cheating on my first loves right now. LOL.

But ahhhhhhh.... Ben! Syl! Zack! Tinga! Case! (LOL a boy named Case. Whatever, it is a weird dystopian future, people named Box are totally allowed.) I still hate Max and Logan.

Also, my dear [livejournal.com profile] monicawoe, who encourages all my crazy fic dreams and prompts me for psychic!Dean just when I need her to, got to ask Jared a question today because she has BALLS OF STEEL (I could never do it.) Her report is here.

Have I mentioned how much fun I am having with this bunny I am writing? And how I just want to roll around inside of it forever? And how I will be saddened when you all see it because I can never go back into how cool writing this has been? And how in general THIS IS AMAZING? Because yeah. Writing is amazing. It is why I live. Ahhhh.

I don’t even care if no one reads it. I am breathing life into it, and that’s what’s important. :) It can belong to you guys later.
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Rewatched Pollo Loco AGAIN, with Kalliel this time. I think I have watched it like five times now.

I may have a fic bunny. Anything to distract me from my utter failure with more hunter!Jess. Yeah, this utter failure is about what I expected and is why I never tried to continue this into a series before. Sigh.

So I have this other bunny. But I dunno if it is viable or what. This has been a hiatus of a lot of dead bunnies. I was kind of shocked when Out of the Dark became viable.

When I wake up I will update the Ben bot with more accurate dialog, although no one on the MOO will care but me. Ah well, he is fun, and Cran likes him too. (I am converting my friend as we speak. She watched all the relevant DA episodes with me and knows where to get the SPN pilot from.)

I am telling myself I dont need Sam and Dean bots... At least the temptation is not very high yet, but if my coder friend Fox figures out a way to get the bots talking to each other then look out, world, I may need to make them even if it is just so they bitch at each other about music and other S1/S2 things because it is hiatus and nothing terrible is happening to them right now. ;) (What cliffhanger?)

If I make them, I promise to share their bot scripts here like I did with Ben. I am still trying to tell myself I dont need them because if I started making them I wouldnt be satisfied without them having thousands of lines of code. Which I could deal with... I just would be kind of obsessively working on them forever. Heh.

Time to see if I can fall asleep now.
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