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- This gratitude journal is possibly a little self-centered, I don't know. I'm grateful for myself today. I have been really improving in leaps and bounds in taking care of myself. Meditating, setting boundaries in all my (chosen) relationships, and (most importantly) knowing they are important and standing by them. In some relationships this was really easy, in others not so much, but I know the importance of maintaining them now even though in my former codependent life I didn't have any boundaries. It's a process, because I still am a chronic over-sharer and that's a boundary that's going to need a lot of work. But one thing at a time.

- I won three things in auction today: An audiobook I've wanted for about five YEARS, another anthology, and an erotic horror novel. I'm not sure when I will read the novel because I don't really do horror anymore, but it's going to be signed and it was for a really good cause.

- On the metaphysical level, I've had a sort of weird energy block going on that resolved itself yesterday, at least to such a degree that I felt it in a big way. Today I don't feel that energy all up in my space like I did yesterday, but that's okay. I know that a bunch of energy basically returned to me from afar and That Is Good. Grateful. :)

Things to do by way of LiveJournal/DW: Update more filters, post on meeting yesterday.
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I am not really keeping track to make sure this happens every 24 hours... Ah well. Staying in what my friend Julia calls "easy world" about it. :)

I have a ton of things to be grateful for today, but I'll keep it to the usual three.

- I'm really grateful for the support I got yesterday and that nobody freaked out and got offended. Especially grateful to Phillip for talking me out of a panic attack. I took all your comments to heart and they all helped. :)

- I remain grateful for Desmond, my case manager. He's such a badass. He's helping me work out what to do about how I got surprise!zealots working for me because they were just foisted on me.

- I'm really grateful for the Internet, even though I need to work a lot on my net addiction. Workflowy and Spotify are kicking so much ass for me right now. (You guys, check out Workflowy! SO COOL. Evernote is neat too.) And I have such a badass soundtrack for Doug and Jer going now... Decided to just scrap the old one (lost a long time ago but I was holding out hope that [livejournal.com profile] maccaj would be able to resurrect it for me from her files) and rebuild. It was a lot of fun, and because of Spotify I could pretty much pick from ANYTHING. :D And [livejournal.com profile] devinlind totally immediately subscribed to it there. LOL.
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So I think I've skipped like a day and a half or something. I'm not going to stress about it because ultimately part of the problem is my extreme sleeping issues which culminate in me being up for 20+ hours at a time depending. I miss time because I'm literally up for days at a time and you get kind of blurry. If I stress myself out I'm just gonna go down in the dumps and not feel that grateful. So whatever. I missed some time.

Three things:

- I'm grateful for Goodreads. It's cool. If you don't know why it's cool, go check it out. It helps you catalog your books and compare with other people, list all the stuff you're reading at once, catagorize them by shelves (actual shelves or whatever you want to call stuff, like "books about douchebags," as I've seen. LOL.) It's just fun, and has helped make reading fun again. It's kind of like having a competition with myself. Plus, serious exhibitionist, and net addict, so the idea of displaying what I'm reading and ranting about it on the Internet is pretty awesome for me. I haven't really been that into this site in the past, but I'm totally into it now.

- I am grateful for Molly, who's been checking in with me a lot and totally listening to me (and vice versa.) We have come A LONG WAY in our friendship and it's now really solid.

- I'm grateful for YouTube. SERIOUSLY, you guys. Whether it's the viral (at least in the GLBTQ community) video of the dad who got Born This Way tattooed on himself for his bisexual son (making his entire family cry), or videos of sloths or red pandas or dogs or cats, or badly-spelled lyrics videos of my favorite songs, YouTube is just the shit. (Except for that goddamn Kony video.) I even found my new favorite meditation on there, which has literally made a world of difference in my life.
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Yesterday was a hard day. Big mood dip. However, it wasn't that bad in the end.

- I'm grateful for my students, who always keep me centered in why I do what I do.

- I'm grateful for my friends, who are supportive 9 times out of 10 and put up with a lot of crap from me yesterday.

- I'm grateful for finding people to commiserate with about chronic illness-related brain-fog and the brainstorming that happened as a result. :)
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Sleepy. This is going to be an abbreviated gratitude journal.

- Yesterday-ish I decided to take the leap and commit to teaching again. I have a curriculum, and I have a few interested students and I can always grow that number. Now that I've taken the leap, it's logisticals: getting organized, getting a fee structure together, etc. I love teaching, absolutely love it to death, and since I've been doing this for 14 years off and on for free it's about time to be serious and get paid. I feel like this is a commitment to myself and to making the world better by spreading knowledge. I like it.

- Yesterday-ish also, George Takei released video of him doing his happy dance because he won the bet with his husband that he could get 4000 donors for his musical Allegiance. Look it up. It's amazing. (Tired Erin is tired, will not be hunting links up for you.) I donated $1, not because I didn't know about the musical before the bet, but because the bet rose the stakes. :)

- I signed up for an energy work class that had a free demo which I listened to yesterday. Wow. That knocked me on my ass. I don't think there was any way to avoid it. Shifts in the energy field tend to make you recalibrate. It was pretty awesome.

Today:

- I'm grateful that I was left in relative quiet today. I was able to do my recalibrating. Sleep and meditation and more sleep and cuddling my singular magic stuffed animal (he's kind of like a repository of good energy for me for a variety of reasons).

- When I woke up there was a hell of a lot of support for me from former students and former teachers alike telling me to take the bull by the horns and definitely start to teach.

- Meditation is magical. I feel so peaceful. :)
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This has been one of the most amazing days of my life. Seriously, you guys.

Read more... )
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Started a new writing course that is so far beyond amazing. The a-ha moment I had reading the first lesson is going to literally change my entire life, not just my writing. I never would have had the gumption to get ready and do this if I was "just" writing fanfic. I'm doing this course for Doug and Jer, to try and produce their book.

The first written exercise asked you to stop viewing yourself in a negative light by acknowledging all that's going for you, starting with the existence of the sun. The goal was to write for 10 mins and restart the timer if you still had stuff to list. I went for forty-five minutes and could have kept going, and I mean constant typing BTW.

...Gee, guys, I think I'm getting better. :)

Three things from my expansive list:

- My new friend Maddie, who recommended the course and has been brainstorming with me all day. O.O
- Science. (Electricity and medicine... enough said.)
- My dad's cello playing, especially on my birthdays
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I'm grateful for meditation, which is really clearing my head and helping me to take my life back.
For various reasons, mostly centered around what I now recognize as a KILLER case of PTSD at the very least, I haven't been able to meditate in a long time. Years. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I had just tried a guided one, but most of me knows from how intense everything's been that it just really wasn't possible for me lately, until it was. Having this back has been amazing.

I'm grateful for my spiritual practice on general principle, with all its stops and starts, really the whole process. It leads in to the meditation, but there are so many other facets of it that have kept me going for this long.

I'm grateful that my mind is recovering from pretty much the unthinkable. There was a time for a period of years that I thought my mind was wasted and gone, and that everything was completely hopeless. But I am really coming back, on many fronts at once. I kind of kick ass.
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Gratitude Journal, abbreviated:

Friday:
- Tea and speakers from Dad courtesy of Amazon.
- The fact that when our Internet went out it did so on the day that we had a serviceman coming anyway. Much improved from the days I went 3 months without an Internet connection to my computer.
- The delicious salad I had for dinner. I have to be careful with veggies for medical reasons (counterintuitive, I know), and I am extremely partial to salads, and vastly prefer raw to cooked vegetation. Salads make my world go round. :)

Saturday:
- Long conversation with my best friend, Phillip.
- Books in the mail from my other best friend, Molly.
- Getting my favorite meditation redownloaded from Audible and onto my computer and my phone so I can start meditating again. 30 seconds into the first run-through after several years, I felt immeasurably better.

Now, sleep.
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I'm going to start a gratitude journal again. I'm going to aim for three things to be grateful for every day. I can post more than that, but I can't post less.

That said, here are some for today:

- Shoddy as my eyes are, I'm glad for my eyesight. I have a weird eye problem right now due to something that happened to me and before that I was born with strabismus, so I have a hard time with visual information, but bottom line is I CAN see and there are umpteen million reasons to be grateful for that. Most recently I was grateful to be able to watch an animated short with just music to it.

- I am grateful for good books, which I've been able to get into again because of the Kindle and Nook apps (not the actual e-readers themselves, they give me the same problems print books do.) Even a very serious book transports you to a different time and place where you're not worrying about your own internal drama. A good book makes you bigger.

- I'm grateful for kitties. In my other life, before everything crashed down around my ears, I had three cats. Three cats is too much for one disabled chick, and I got really overwhelmed by them. Resenting my cats was a totally new experience and it made me feel terrible on many levels. I wasn't sure if I was capable of love anymore if I could resent poor little furballs. It was pretty tremendously head-up-gefucking. I can honestly say, however, that I am coming out of the dark. I won't be able to get a cat while I live here because I don't want it to bond to anyone but me. I've had a cat bond to a roommate and left the cat with the roommate and it completely broke my heart. Can't go through it again. So, no kitty til I live by myself again, but the good news there is that me living by myself again is in process. Thank goodness.

I could post more of these, but I think I will save the rest of them for tomorrow, since experience tells me that I will want the leeway later when I'm running low.

P.S.: Thank you very much to [personal profile] alexseanchai who hooked me up with a rename token this week. I will be going through that process in a few days. I just want to make sure I am sticking with the fhionnuisce moniker. :)
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Finally started messing around with Pandora. Pandora is EPIC. So been reading song lyrics and such, and suddenly I miss writing poetry, even though I haven't written regularly since I was a teenager... (Yeah, typical.) Feeling nostalgic and kind of inadequate.

Really itching to get back to Jer and Doug's book. I got a long way to go in terms of my health before I can dedicate spoons to it, either mentally or physically. But I do think about them most days and slowly I am planning the little things. Doing a lot of roleplay with them as well...which is not the same as solo writing at all, but at least I feel like I'm talking to them regularly and keeping them in the forefront of my mind.

So impossibly tired. This flare needed to be over several months ago. In phone tag with my doc. Just for fun, you know... 'Cause they can't give me a straight answer about anything thanks to HIPAA. I mean, really, who else is going to call my doc about pictures of my small intestine? Ooh, better protect me from myself!

*twiddles thumbs*

At least I only feel like it's a crohns flare now, and not OHMYGOD I'M IN MORE PAIN THAN EVER IN MY LIFE and not being able to get out of bed or walk around my house. Cause that...was a whole level of special I never want to revisit. Ever. Again.

At the end of the day, I am pretty blessed. :) Thanks for being out there, as usual, guys.

Here's the song I was gonna post on Thanksgiving before Jer got obsessed with little lego people with lightsabers and took over my brain.... *grin*

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This is just a note to say... I have now fielded a few bitchtastic transmissions that I fielded from the fandom people I had to cut from my life... and people have noticed that I kept a lot of you guys. I want you guys to know I kept you because, primarily, you never gave me shit about taking breaks from something that was pretty much an addiction and ruining my life. (I'm not saying it's ruining anyone else's life, but it definitely helped run mine into the ground in ways you'll probably never know.) All of you who have sent me well wishes and support and emails and talked me through to the other side of this... thank you. That's why you guys are still here, and I greatly appreciate it. I met a lot of amazing folks during my foray in fandom...and you guys are it. I know I'm not around much, but I am around, and I think of you guys often. I'm just in the process of fixing a pretty wrecked life.

Thanks for standing by me, even when I was at my worst. I love you guys like you won't ever even know just for being out there under the same sky.

This is my song of the day, and it's for you all too (LOL Snow Patrol. God. I can't even. I try to escape them and then this happens.):



I don't think my icon has ever been more appropriate than right now. I'm not ignoring those words anymore.
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Feel. So much. Better.

Have a song from Doug and Jer's collection. We love this one.

There are only two lines I disagree with in this song... Wonder if you can pick em out. :)



SO MUCH BETTER.

And it's getting better all the time.
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The Secret Circle? They are not making another L J Smith series into TV, are they? I loved The Secret Circle even more than Vampire Diaries...

Oh shit, some kind of episode is on.

6.21:
Read more... )

6.22 (!!!!!! OMG.)
Read more... )

They hate me in spnp chat now, but overall I gotta say I am pleased, and THANK YOU GUYS

Seriously, MY THANK YOU DESERVES 1000 UNDERLINES. BUT SINCE I CAN’T DO THAT, PLEASE PRETEND THEY ARE THERE.
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