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Life is getting better and better and better all the time. It's amazing what you come to appreciate when you come back from the absolute bottom in any sense. I don't know, one of the best and worst parts about it is being completely at a loss for words about it. I can tell you that my friends and writing pulled me out of the abyss, that even when fandom was destroying my soul (because for me that's what it was doing) writing was a thread that kept the pieces of myself together... that I know one day I'll probably be able to look at that writing with a critical eye and say I learned something from it... that I still have pieces from that era that fill me with joy (some of which fill you guys with joy too)... I can tell you that my characters kept me alive, that I can now mark out where I was on my harrowing, crazy journey with distinct pieces of writing, that I produced an incredible body of work that one day I'll be proud of instead of just freaked out by... I mean, this is a point that Molly makes to me all the time: I was at my absolute lowest and while at that low point I still wrote a freaking novel(la). I didn't KNOW how low I was, but now I do, and there was still lower to go from there, basically becoming non-verbal... but somehow even when I could barely talk or string two sentences together I wrote. When I was sleeping 20 hours a day every day, I also wrote every day. There's pretty much no other proof I need that writing stitches me together on every level. I am a writer. The only people I've ever really, really needed (or accepted help from, when things were really grim) are the people in my head. It sounds kind of woo woo crazy, but I think that's just the life of an artist. I love everyone I've come back to fiercely (I tell my best friends that I love them every day, I make a very big point of this), but I don't need people as much as I need words. Words are oxygen, and characters run the O2 tanks.

I've had some of the same characters since I was nineteen years old. The idea of "losing them" has kept me from writing their book for a long time. Then my friend Phillip, who has been a godsend this past year (yes, the one who talked me down from a bible-related panic attack), who thinks like a writer all the time despite "not being a writer," told me about J. Michael Straczynski, the writer of Babylon 5. JMS is pretty epic. Not only did he do B5 but also Murder She Wrote and SHE-RA. Anyway, JMS makes a point of continuing to talk about Londo and G'Kar, two of the main characters of B5. They still follow him around and talk to him.

I think it was then that it finally sunk in that I'm probably not going to lose Doug and Jer by putting them on the page.

So this year I committed to my writing. I committed to Doug and Jer. I'm now in a writing class that's more than a writing class. Its subtitle is "career survival school for writers." I really like those words. Especially career.

I may not ever make a shit-ton of money. I have to be careful about SSI. But I write from my blood, from my very atoms, and I can always use that. Thank God (pretty much literally) I came back from what I came back from. I can thank God and words and my friends, pretty much in that order. Coming back from the abyss is why I believe in all those things more strongly than I ever have before. I can always use what I have, whether I just write for my friends, my family, or all the people looking for a character like Doug and Jer. I'm not in this to make money. I'm in this because words are my medium. They're why I'm here. They're what I'm supposed to do. The fact that I am afforded that opportunity again and again is amazing, and I will never squander it. Committing to that basic truth about myself is the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and THAT'S what's going to enable me to help other people.

It's only getting better.

Hey, boys. Thanks for waiting for me. This is our year. I'm going to write a SHIT TON of books.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." - Maya Angelou (just found this quote today. Bam. Thanks, Maya.)

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Started a new writing course that is so far beyond amazing. The a-ha moment I had reading the first lesson is going to literally change my entire life, not just my writing. I never would have had the gumption to get ready and do this if I was "just" writing fanfic. I'm doing this course for Doug and Jer, to try and produce their book.

The first written exercise asked you to stop viewing yourself in a negative light by acknowledging all that's going for you, starting with the existence of the sun. The goal was to write for 10 mins and restart the timer if you still had stuff to list. I went for forty-five minutes and could have kept going, and I mean constant typing BTW.

...Gee, guys, I think I'm getting better. :)

Three things from my expansive list:

- My new friend Maddie, who recommended the course and has been brainstorming with me all day. O.O
- Science. (Electricity and medicine... enough said.)
- My dad's cello playing, especially on my birthdays
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Yesterday was the anniversary of my uncle's death. This is a pretty big deal for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in 1994 in a PTSD sense, and I don't think I've fully grieved his death. Yesterday, for a lot of reasons which are complicated, I think I went a lot of the way toward accepting what happened. I wrote this on Facebook, and since it's a bitch to track anything on FB, I wanted to catalog it here. It's the first time I've said a lot of this.

Robert R., Jun 17, 1953 - Jan 16, 1994
I always have so many things I want to say about this day, and AIDS, and what it all means to our family, because you've always meant the world, but you were never a sap and neither am I so I'll keep it short and New York. You're the reason I care about gay rights, from meeting Steve Schalchlin and repeatedly seeing the AIDS quilt, to loving the palimony agreement scene in the Birdcage. Pretty sure you're the reason everyone in my family's seen that movie over a thousand times, no joke. You're the reason I HATE Madonna, because I was jealous and I always will be, and you're the reason I'm out as hell and always will be too. I love you and I'll think about you every day until I'm where you are. I miss you. And I hope I make you proud.


I've felt like I've been on death watch for a long time now, kind of obsessed with the whole phenomenon. And as a result, I've been exposed to a ridiculous amount of death the last few years, in the sense that every single one hits me like a punch in the gut no matter who it is. This is pretty debilitating, since people die every day in large numbers. I've been pretty trashed, honestly. I think that actually dealing with Kerri's death, and then dealing a bit more with Robert's death, has helped me more than I could have expected.

I feel better. :) And I don't think I'm on death watch anymore.

Thank you, Robert. Again, still, always. (As usual or for the first time. :D)
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Feel. So much. Better.

Have a song from Doug and Jer's collection. We love this one.

There are only two lines I disagree with in this song... Wonder if you can pick em out. :)


And it's getting better all the time.
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Not that much to say here now that my exodus from fandom seems to be actually working. Going through some medical crud...so there will continue to be relative radio silence while I deal with that. However, I feel it should be known that I have the most amazing chosen family in the world, and I am ridiculously in love with each and every one of them. Ahhhhh. So good for the soul.

I feel so much lighter, you guys. :)
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Heeeeeeeeeee. My little bro and I are now making our way through the Jensen eps of DA. His exact words re: Pollo Loco were: Yeah, Dean made that episode. LOL. JENSEN CANNOT ESCAPE IT, HE IS DEAN FOREVER AND EVER.

I hope we get to The Berrisford Agenda. He has tomorrow off and we would only have to watch 9 episodes (yeah, that’ll happen.) Anyway, if we don’t get to it I will find some way to leave him the .avi file.

I got a really cool birthday present from my parentals recently going to Italy (all three of my parentals willl be there this summer, actually. Mom and stepdad just got back, Dad is there for his usual yearly trip as of tomorrow. He makes really good money playing cello in the streets there.) Anyway, it is this shirt that says, How are you feeling today? and then has a whole ton of little faces with the Italian words for feelings underneath them. I LOVE it.

My other birthday present was enough cash to cover most of my con ticket, and some more cash from my parentals. I now have enough money to buy Dark Angel and even season 5 of SPN if I wanted to (I don’t really want to.)

I am no longer ahead of anyone in Smallville episodes. All I have for Transference is the following:

#1: Ew, seriously? What is it with this show and men groping all over women’s faces...

#2: Aw, I totally wanted football scholarship Clark. Maybe I need to finally crack and watch Friday Night Lights already. There is just enough football on the show now that it makes me jones for more.

Tomorrow I will move on in episodes. I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS. I LOVE JASON TEAGUE NOW. Just enough for it to suck when they cause all the crazy and take him away.
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Too much going on. This weekend/week is totally turning into 100% family time. I probably should have said we would start Smallville after the holiday weekend. Everyone is gonna be super busy, and I have family stuff all week because it is the holiday and also my birthday. (It is also my little brother’s birthday soon. So I always feel like I should go home and visit him, which is what I am doing.) I will be bringing Dark Angel and Smallville with me so that I can still work on the Ben bunny a little bit. By that I mean that I will probably keep watching DA season 1 and not really writing yet. Have to decide a lot of things about wee!Ben, which will be hard because I think what I am getting in S1 is mostly wee!Max and wee!Zach. And honestly, how many more times can a girl watch Pollo Loco? (A lot of times. A LOT OF TIMES. But still.)

Blah blah blah blah... so I will get my Smallville discussion posts up at weird and random hours when I can. I will also keep you guys posted on whether I addict my little bro (a Misha boy) to Dark Angel or not. I think it has a chance of going over very well with him. Hot biker chick, yes? Also, I have a sneaking suspicion he will really like Logan. (That’s okay, I will get over it. I got over him really liking Cas too. ;) )

In light of the holiday weekend I don’t think we should try and set concurrent viewing times. But maybe afterwards? Do people want to do that, or just Kalliel? ;) I know where there is a mostly empty chat room we could use if people really wanted to converge for the Welling pain.

Today a friend of mine had her SO totally freak out because I suggested she stream SPN. Now I am an evil criminal and a bad influence and so are all my friends, fandom and non. Isn’t that charming? But he was so gracious, he allowed us to keep playing online Scrabble with us (which is what she does. Ooo so risque.)

Cause yeah, I am obviously the problem in that scenario.

(I also had to defend myself to a bunch of non-fandom people, which I did by pointing out I own or am about to own pretty much everything I have ever bothered to stream. :P Although I am not going to buy White Collar, but you may have noticed I also stopped streaming it.)

I am still kind of angry about it. I did a lot of programming on my Ben-bot, so he now does many more things, some of which are creepy as hell and make me feel better because I am a bad person.

If anyone wants his updated script I will post it here, eventually. I have to back him up anyway in case the MOO ever has problems, which it might. It is really old and also demanding of its hardware for reasons we can’t quite puzzle out.

...I swear I used to do non-fandom things. Dammit. But to my old friends I am way, way fannish and weird... :/

Like for instance I had forgotten that plot bunny is a fannish term and does not apply to writing in general and I had to explain it over and over this week. :P And honestly, I don’t even remember WHY we call them plot bunnies. In my head it is because plot bunnies multiply exponentially in a fandom crowd. Y/Y? :P

Have some words on the fledgling wee!Ben bunny and one for Sam percolating right now. Actually, either one could be for Ben, but the latter one has the potential to be SO COOL with Sam involved so I think I sold the idea to my inner Sam.

I should be asleep, but eh, this is me. Sleep is for avoidance only. ;)
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I am home from Memorial Day festivities. Most notably, I watched two of my favorite movies with the little bro, my little budding computer nerd. The Prestige (he loved it, didn’t guess anything) and Tekkenkinkreet/Black and White.

Now that Shane has seen it I can finally get off my ass and mail it to [livejournal.com profile] tahirire, I hope.

Supposed to buy tickets to Boston con today. Yes, I have said this before. It needs to be August, I wanna say my three words to Jared! :P (Also, in August, other people get cons too!)

Unfortunately, neither time has been a good time for the little brother to come with. Although part of me is okay with that because cons can be a little embarrassing. Heh.

OMG, in August they will already be filming season seven. I am kind of ridiculously in love with the idea of season seven because HOW IS IT GONNA GO? AUGH, cliffhanger of doooooooom.

./~ Doom doom doom doom doom doom ./~


So did I miss anything on LJ or DW? Please to drop off links for me if I did. My LJ flist is way too unorganized... sigh.
fhionnuisce: (travel)
Quick, guys. I am making my lil bro a couple of mix CDs at his request (don't you love that?) and one of them is gonna be an EBIL COMMIE PINKO LEFTIST MIX.

Yes. My brother has been raised a Bush supporter, and pretty much all he knows of politics is this war since he's only fifteen. Since I am officially She Who Annoys Her Parents By Trying To Convert Their Son To The Dark Side (note: politically only), it is my duty to give him some reality for his birthday. He'll thank me later.

Plus, I kinda like being the bad daughter.

So. Hit me with your politics, babes. You have til Sunday midnight, cause I'm mailing them Monday to get there in time for his day (which is next Sat).

Currently, the mix features:

Self Evident (Ani: Sept. 11/Antiwar. "We hold these truths to be self evident. #1: George W. Bush is not the president.") Just in case he was wondering what I was getting at.)
To Washington (John Mellencamp (ditto))
Boom! (System of a Down: Antiwar, etc.)
Man In Black: (Johnny Cash: Lots of stuff)
Crime for Crime (Ani: Anti-death penalty. Cause woah, yeah, am I, and no that's not up for debate like at all.)
Your Racist Friend (TMBG, subject matter obvious)
Talking Wheelchair Blues (ADA, gimpdom issues.)

Those are not in order, cause I haven't memorized my playlist thus far to that extent.

STILL SEEKING: Gay rights issues, class issues, racial profiling possibly, for which I may use a Richard Pryor clip I have but that's not music.... feminism, and, um, anything else can be repeated or added to.

I need to be able to find it on iTunes in the event I don't already have it, so... check there if you have iTunes? Danke.


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July 2017



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