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I created a tumblr to follow a few friends with. This is what I wrote by way of intro, and I thought that it would fit here too. It's a bit of a more articulate version of a few posts smashed together. Some of it will be familiar, some of it may not. I'm always open to questions.

So this is me. )
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Well, all, I'm (samidha) back, mostly to port my fic over to my newer AO3 account. Yes, this is both good and bad. It should give you a snapshot of my mental health right now, but I'm doing whatever I can while chaos reigns/rains in the rest of the world.

I know my master post is broken, but I'm slowly going through tags and porting. My series are all there, so it's just some misc. comment fics and one shots that aren't there yet. Oh yeah, and this summer I finished _Of Dreams and Demons_, leaving in some of the gaps because I'm never good at those and fixing it would have taken years more of writing. So it's still a 'verse, but it finally has an ending. In total I have 8 series (not all are Supernatural). I'm branching out into crossovers and other fandoms right now because American Gods, my absolute precious, is now on air.

So anyway, will be fixing things around here slowly, very slowly, including on AO3.

So here's my new account. https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/

I do not have a LJ anymore and I never will, due to the Russia stuff.
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This journal is mixed friends-only and public, except fiction which is, at this point, always locked. If you want to read my fan fiction, which is public, it can be found here: http://samidha.dreamwidth.org/1207016.html. I am no longer writing nor responding to said fanfic, as my attention has returned to my original writing and social justice issues. For an introduction to who I am, read here: http://samidha.dreamwidth.org/tag/intro
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New journal created. Unsure exactly when I will be contacting folks...it'll be a bit labor intensive and I am about to leave on a trip. So it might not be til after I get back on or about July 1.

After I have invited everyone, I'll give it about two weeks maybe and then delete/purge this monstrosity.

Remember, I'm inviting everyone personally because I'm keeping this one really private as I don't want my abuser to be able to find it (not that I think she'd look, but who knows, she's a psycho. More on that later, I'm sure, at the new digs.

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Have come to the decision that there's nothing in this journal that I want to keep. My fanfic is all on AO3 under a different name, so it's not lost. The rest of this journal is basically all abuse history for me. So it will be deleted/purged/whatever as soon as I A) have a new name and B) have contacted everyone I wanted to contact to help them find me elsewhere on LJ/DW.

Name-finding is in progress. When I have a new one, I will make a follow-up post here to let people know to look out for something from me in their inboxes.
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So...I know I just renamed this account and everything... but I need to ditch it. The rename was inspired by someone who I've come to find out is truly evil, and since this particular account holds the history of our entire 8 year "friendship" by which I mean epically abusive relationship... I'm just done with it. I will be contacting people on an extremely limited basis to give out my new name when I come up with it, and I will be leaving this account behind forever.

Soooo..that said, if you want to be kept in the loop on the next journal leave a comment here. Some of you I already have in mind, but comments here mean I know that you saw this, and understand it. Etc. So yeah. When I have a new name, I will be contacting people privately so that the two names are never connected in a public post or anything.
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Okay, so I am super nervous about this, but the blog goes live today whether I feel like it's perfect or not, so I guess it's time to share with you all. This is the huge project I've been working on for (God, has it only been two weeks?), and the work has really just started. We will be bringing you coverage of the national vigils for George Hodgins a 22-year-old autistic man who was murdered by his mother this month, plus essays on all kinds of topics related to violence against people with disabilities over the next 13 or so days as all our staff weigh in. Following that, we will be a weekly blog. Go. Subscribe (find the follow button on the lower right somewhere). Join us.

If you're wondering where I am, it's probably that I'm working on the site in some capacity as I am the organizer/editor in chief/whatever. Right now I'm the deadline-maker and that annoying person who hounds people in google chat when they don't feel like it. ;) But I also give pep talks!


I...have been told it's good. Go check it out, and read about why we decided to do this.
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Too spoonless for gratitude journal, OMG, unbelievable few days. Things are just getting better and better, though. My huge project is being awesome, I've had several surprises from the universe the last few days, and though life is stressful (OMG homelife? Don't even ask me), the stress cannot in any way outweigh the good. I refuse to let it. I'm like too grateful to even write anything down, but mostly too tired. *floats happily* Now water, then bed. :D
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I done got renamed! Decided to just go ahead with my previous plans of using fhionnuisce on DW. I got into a discussion about it with a friend and what it means in Irish and how happy the name makes me because it ties into so many things for me (not just being a phoenix, although that's awesome). Maybe one day I'll make a post about that.

Today I have too many other things on my mind. I've started a few really huge projects, and in the coming days I will tell you all about them. In the meantime, I'm just waiting for my phone to charge so I can take my meditation MP3s to bed with me...

Busy, busy, busy!
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Life is getting better and better and better all the time. It's amazing what you come to appreciate when you come back from the absolute bottom in any sense. I don't know, one of the best and worst parts about it is being completely at a loss for words about it. I can tell you that my friends and writing pulled me out of the abyss, that even when fandom was destroying my soul (because for me that's what it was doing) writing was a thread that kept the pieces of myself together... that I know one day I'll probably be able to look at that writing with a critical eye and say I learned something from it... that I still have pieces from that era that fill me with joy (some of which fill you guys with joy too)... I can tell you that my characters kept me alive, that I can now mark out where I was on my harrowing, crazy journey with distinct pieces of writing, that I produced an incredible body of work that one day I'll be proud of instead of just freaked out by... I mean, this is a point that Molly makes to me all the time: I was at my absolute lowest and while at that low point I still wrote a freaking novel(la). I didn't KNOW how low I was, but now I do, and there was still lower to go from there, basically becoming non-verbal... but somehow even when I could barely talk or string two sentences together I wrote. When I was sleeping 20 hours a day every day, I also wrote every day. There's pretty much no other proof I need that writing stitches me together on every level. I am a writer. The only people I've ever really, really needed (or accepted help from, when things were really grim) are the people in my head. It sounds kind of woo woo crazy, but I think that's just the life of an artist. I love everyone I've come back to fiercely (I tell my best friends that I love them every day, I make a very big point of this), but I don't need people as much as I need words. Words are oxygen, and characters run the O2 tanks.

I've had some of the same characters since I was nineteen years old. The idea of "losing them" has kept me from writing their book for a long time. Then my friend Phillip, who has been a godsend this past year (yes, the one who talked me down from a bible-related panic attack), who thinks like a writer all the time despite "not being a writer," told me about J. Michael Straczynski, the writer of Babylon 5. JMS is pretty epic. Not only did he do B5 but also Murder She Wrote and SHE-RA. Anyway, JMS makes a point of continuing to talk about Londo and G'Kar, two of the main characters of B5. They still follow him around and talk to him.

I think it was then that it finally sunk in that I'm probably not going to lose Doug and Jer by putting them on the page.

So this year I committed to my writing. I committed to Doug and Jer. I'm now in a writing class that's more than a writing class. Its subtitle is "career survival school for writers." I really like those words. Especially career.

I may not ever make a shit-ton of money. I have to be careful about SSI. But I write from my blood, from my very atoms, and I can always use that. Thank God (pretty much literally) I came back from what I came back from. I can thank God and words and my friends, pretty much in that order. Coming back from the abyss is why I believe in all those things more strongly than I ever have before. I can always use what I have, whether I just write for my friends, my family, or all the people looking for a character like Doug and Jer. I'm not in this to make money. I'm in this because words are my medium. They're why I'm here. They're what I'm supposed to do. The fact that I am afforded that opportunity again and again is amazing, and I will never squander it. Committing to that basic truth about myself is the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and THAT'S what's going to enable me to help other people.

It's only getting better.

Hey, boys. Thanks for waiting for me. This is our year. I'm going to write a SHIT TON of books.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." - Maya Angelou (just found this quote today. Bam. Thanks, Maya.)

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- This gratitude journal is possibly a little self-centered, I don't know. I'm grateful for myself today. I have been really improving in leaps and bounds in taking care of myself. Meditating, setting boundaries in all my (chosen) relationships, and (most importantly) knowing they are important and standing by them. In some relationships this was really easy, in others not so much, but I know the importance of maintaining them now even though in my former codependent life I didn't have any boundaries. It's a process, because I still am a chronic over-sharer and that's a boundary that's going to need a lot of work. But one thing at a time.

- I won three things in auction today: An audiobook I've wanted for about five YEARS, another anthology, and an erotic horror novel. I'm not sure when I will read the novel because I don't really do horror anymore, but it's going to be signed and it was for a really good cause.

- On the metaphysical level, I've had a sort of weird energy block going on that resolved itself yesterday, at least to such a degree that I felt it in a big way. Today I don't feel that energy all up in my space like I did yesterday, but that's okay. I know that a bunch of energy basically returned to me from afar and That Is Good. Grateful. :)

Things to do by way of LiveJournal/DW: Update more filters, post on meeting yesterday.
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Sometimes I still think of She of the Spider Phobia. It's not exactly fond, but kind of wistful, and kind of WTF, because honestly, she was so evil to me it kind of defies imagining. Especially because it was sneaky as hell. She was toying with me. Bigtime.

I miss how things were before it got complicated, but I don't miss all the baggage, and I don't miss fandom. So. I dunno.
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I am not really keeping track to make sure this happens every 24 hours... Ah well. Staying in what my friend Julia calls "easy world" about it. :)

I have a ton of things to be grateful for today, but I'll keep it to the usual three.

- I'm really grateful for the support I got yesterday and that nobody freaked out and got offended. Especially grateful to Phillip for talking me out of a panic attack. I took all your comments to heart and they all helped. :)

- I remain grateful for Desmond, my case manager. He's such a badass. He's helping me work out what to do about how I got surprise!zealots working for me because they were just foisted on me.

- I'm really grateful for the Internet, even though I need to work a lot on my net addiction. Workflowy and Spotify are kicking so much ass for me right now. (You guys, check out Workflowy! SO COOL. Evernote is neat too.) And I have such a badass soundtrack for Doug and Jer going now... Decided to just scrap the old one (lost a long time ago but I was holding out hope that [livejournal.com profile] maccaj would be able to resurrect it for me from her files) and rebuild. It was a lot of fun, and because of Spotify I could pretty much pick from ANYTHING. :D And [livejournal.com profile] devinlind totally immediately subscribed to it there. LOL.
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So I think I've skipped like a day and a half or something. I'm not going to stress about it because ultimately part of the problem is my extreme sleeping issues which culminate in me being up for 20+ hours at a time depending. I miss time because I'm literally up for days at a time and you get kind of blurry. If I stress myself out I'm just gonna go down in the dumps and not feel that grateful. So whatever. I missed some time.

Three things:

- I'm grateful for Goodreads. It's cool. If you don't know why it's cool, go check it out. It helps you catalog your books and compare with other people, list all the stuff you're reading at once, catagorize them by shelves (actual shelves or whatever you want to call stuff, like "books about douchebags," as I've seen. LOL.) It's just fun, and has helped make reading fun again. It's kind of like having a competition with myself. Plus, serious exhibitionist, and net addict, so the idea of displaying what I'm reading and ranting about it on the Internet is pretty awesome for me. I haven't really been that into this site in the past, but I'm totally into it now.

- I am grateful for Molly, who's been checking in with me a lot and totally listening to me (and vice versa.) We have come A LONG WAY in our friendship and it's now really solid.

- I'm grateful for YouTube. SERIOUSLY, you guys. Whether it's the viral (at least in the GLBTQ community) video of the dad who got Born This Way tattooed on himself for his bisexual son (making his entire family cry), or videos of sloths or red pandas or dogs or cats, or badly-spelled lyrics videos of my favorite songs, YouTube is just the shit. (Except for that goddamn Kony video.) I even found my new favorite meditation on there, which has literally made a world of difference in my life.
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Yesterday was a hard day. Big mood dip. However, it wasn't that bad in the end.

- I'm grateful for my students, who always keep me centered in why I do what I do.

- I'm grateful for my friends, who are supportive 9 times out of 10 and put up with a lot of crap from me yesterday.

- I'm grateful for finding people to commiserate with about chronic illness-related brain-fog and the brainstorming that happened as a result. :)
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Sleepy. This is going to be an abbreviated gratitude journal.

- Yesterday-ish I decided to take the leap and commit to teaching again. I have a curriculum, and I have a few interested students and I can always grow that number. Now that I've taken the leap, it's logisticals: getting organized, getting a fee structure together, etc. I love teaching, absolutely love it to death, and since I've been doing this for 14 years off and on for free it's about time to be serious and get paid. I feel like this is a commitment to myself and to making the world better by spreading knowledge. I like it.

- Yesterday-ish also, George Takei released video of him doing his happy dance because he won the bet with his husband that he could get 4000 donors for his musical Allegiance. Look it up. It's amazing. (Tired Erin is tired, will not be hunting links up for you.) I donated $1, not because I didn't know about the musical before the bet, but because the bet rose the stakes. :)

- I signed up for an energy work class that had a free demo which I listened to yesterday. Wow. That knocked me on my ass. I don't think there was any way to avoid it. Shifts in the energy field tend to make you recalibrate. It was pretty awesome.


- I'm grateful that I was left in relative quiet today. I was able to do my recalibrating. Sleep and meditation and more sleep and cuddling my singular magic stuffed animal (he's kind of like a repository of good energy for me for a variety of reasons).

- When I woke up there was a hell of a lot of support for me from former students and former teachers alike telling me to take the bull by the horns and definitely start to teach.

- Meditation is magical. I feel so peaceful. :)
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This has been one of the most amazing days of my life. Seriously, you guys.

Read more... )
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Started a new writing course that is so far beyond amazing. The a-ha moment I had reading the first lesson is going to literally change my entire life, not just my writing. I never would have had the gumption to get ready and do this if I was "just" writing fanfic. I'm doing this course for Doug and Jer, to try and produce their book.

The first written exercise asked you to stop viewing yourself in a negative light by acknowledging all that's going for you, starting with the existence of the sun. The goal was to write for 10 mins and restart the timer if you still had stuff to list. I went for forty-five minutes and could have kept going, and I mean constant typing BTW.

...Gee, guys, I think I'm getting better. :)

Three things from my expansive list:

- My new friend Maddie, who recommended the course and has been brainstorming with me all day. O.O
- Science. (Electricity and medicine... enough said.)
- My dad's cello playing, especially on my birthdays
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I'm grateful for meditation, which is really clearing my head and helping me to take my life back.
For various reasons, mostly centered around what I now recognize as a KILLER case of PTSD at the very least, I haven't been able to meditate in a long time. Years. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I had just tried a guided one, but most of me knows from how intense everything's been that it just really wasn't possible for me lately, until it was. Having this back has been amazing.

I'm grateful for my spiritual practice on general principle, with all its stops and starts, really the whole process. It leads in to the meditation, but there are so many other facets of it that have kept me going for this long.

I'm grateful that my mind is recovering from pretty much the unthinkable. There was a time for a period of years that I thought my mind was wasted and gone, and that everything was completely hopeless. But I am really coming back, on many fronts at once. I kind of kick ass.
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