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Life is getting better and better and better all the time. It's amazing what you come to appreciate when you come back from the absolute bottom in any sense. I don't know, one of the best and worst parts about it is being completely at a loss for words about it. I can tell you that my friends and writing pulled me out of the abyss, that even when fandom was destroying my soul (because for me that's what it was doing) writing was a thread that kept the pieces of myself together... that I know one day I'll probably be able to look at that writing with a critical eye and say I learned something from it... that I still have pieces from that era that fill me with joy (some of which fill you guys with joy too)... I can tell you that my characters kept me alive, that I can now mark out where I was on my harrowing, crazy journey with distinct pieces of writing, that I produced an incredible body of work that one day I'll be proud of instead of just freaked out by... I mean, this is a point that Molly makes to me all the time: I was at my absolute lowest and while at that low point I still wrote a freaking novel(la). I didn't KNOW how low I was, but now I do, and there was still lower to go from there, basically becoming non-verbal... but somehow even when I could barely talk or string two sentences together I wrote. When I was sleeping 20 hours a day every day, I also wrote every day. There's pretty much no other proof I need that writing stitches me together on every level. I am a writer. The only people I've ever really, really needed (or accepted help from, when things were really grim) are the people in my head. It sounds kind of woo woo crazy, but I think that's just the life of an artist. I love everyone I've come back to fiercely (I tell my best friends that I love them every day, I make a very big point of this), but I don't need people as much as I need words. Words are oxygen, and characters run the O2 tanks.

I've had some of the same characters since I was nineteen years old. The idea of "losing them" has kept me from writing their book for a long time. Then my friend Phillip, who has been a godsend this past year (yes, the one who talked me down from a bible-related panic attack), who thinks like a writer all the time despite "not being a writer," told me about J. Michael Straczynski, the writer of Babylon 5. JMS is pretty epic. Not only did he do B5 but also Murder She Wrote and SHE-RA. Anyway, JMS makes a point of continuing to talk about Londo and G'Kar, two of the main characters of B5. They still follow him around and talk to him.

I think it was then that it finally sunk in that I'm probably not going to lose Doug and Jer by putting them on the page.

So this year I committed to my writing. I committed to Doug and Jer. I'm now in a writing class that's more than a writing class. Its subtitle is "career survival school for writers." I really like those words. Especially career.

I may not ever make a shit-ton of money. I have to be careful about SSI. But I write from my blood, from my very atoms, and I can always use that. Thank God (pretty much literally) I came back from what I came back from. I can thank God and words and my friends, pretty much in that order. Coming back from the abyss is why I believe in all those things more strongly than I ever have before. I can always use what I have, whether I just write for my friends, my family, or all the people looking for a character like Doug and Jer. I'm not in this to make money. I'm in this because words are my medium. They're why I'm here. They're what I'm supposed to do. The fact that I am afforded that opportunity again and again is amazing, and I will never squander it. Committing to that basic truth about myself is the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and THAT'S what's going to enable me to help other people.

It's only getting better.

Hey, boys. Thanks for waiting for me. This is our year. I'm going to write a SHIT TON of books.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." - Maya Angelou (just found this quote today. Bam. Thanks, Maya.)

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So I think I've skipped like a day and a half or something. I'm not going to stress about it because ultimately part of the problem is my extreme sleeping issues which culminate in me being up for 20+ hours at a time depending. I miss time because I'm literally up for days at a time and you get kind of blurry. If I stress myself out I'm just gonna go down in the dumps and not feel that grateful. So whatever. I missed some time.

Three things:

- I'm grateful for Goodreads. It's cool. If you don't know why it's cool, go check it out. It helps you catalog your books and compare with other people, list all the stuff you're reading at once, catagorize them by shelves (actual shelves or whatever you want to call stuff, like "books about douchebags," as I've seen. LOL.) It's just fun, and has helped make reading fun again. It's kind of like having a competition with myself. Plus, serious exhibitionist, and net addict, so the idea of displaying what I'm reading and ranting about it on the Internet is pretty awesome for me. I haven't really been that into this site in the past, but I'm totally into it now.

- I am grateful for Molly, who's been checking in with me a lot and totally listening to me (and vice versa.) We have come A LONG WAY in our friendship and it's now really solid.

- I'm grateful for YouTube. SERIOUSLY, you guys. Whether it's the viral (at least in the GLBTQ community) video of the dad who got Born This Way tattooed on himself for his bisexual son (making his entire family cry), or videos of sloths or red pandas or dogs or cats, or badly-spelled lyrics videos of my favorite songs, YouTube is just the shit. (Except for that goddamn Kony video.) I even found my new favorite meditation on there, which has literally made a world of difference in my life.
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Doug has recently let me know he really, really likes this song, except we can't stand Iron and Wine anymore because it belonged to SotSP. ;) So today we spent some time looking for the right cover, and while we couldn't find exactly what we were looking for we did find THIS amazing cover of it, and by extension this musician in general. She's a senior in high school and she's kind of amazing.



Good stuff. Much, much better than the original, although both Doug and Jer would like to find another cover with the Iron and Wine guitar part and a male voice... Sad that we can't, past a very small snippet at the end of another live song by Matt Nathanson (which probably got us started).

Yeah, I'm nuts with the talking to my characters, but they keep me sane, and I'm a lot saner than I used to be so it's all good. ;)
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Jer and I like this song. There are a few ways to read it for me, but I think we both like it because it's kind of the way the parentals were, and kind of reminds me of what happens when you go from being a cute little "sellable" gimp who needs to be kept down and controlled by ABs to, well, whatever you become when you stop being cute.



Or it could just mean I was raised to be a spoiled brat and then ditched, 'cause that totally happened too. ;)

In other news:

Dear Doug and Steve,

Write "Home" faster, you guys! COME ON. ;) (Jer's getting bored waiting for his scene...)

love,
me

In still other news, man, Facebook keeps giving me this ad for a shirt that says, "Jedi for Jesus," and every time Jer sees it he's like, "LEAVE MY UNIVERSE OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE, GOD DAMMIT."

This is why I keep him. ;)
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Hahahaha. I had totally forgotten about this song, but this is, strangely, my life.



(Ah, Chicken Little... Been there.)
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I think I need to learn Come On Get Higher on guitar just so I can play it and freak people the fuck out. (Gimps with sexuality! I don't even know what I'm seeing! What even is this?)



I finally bit the bullet and put RENT into my Pandora playlist last night. Now it keeps wanting to play me Disney music (fail) and Wicked (meh), but on the other hand I get Avenue Q as well.

I love Pandora a ridiculous amount, but the ads on there, man. Who the fuck listens to Pandora? Are there really ads for clothing stores that will charge $850.00 for a SHIRT-DRESS? (Not even a dress, an admitted shirt-dress that looks like a mumu.)

I use the SHIT out of Pandora now that I finally went to check it out... so I've been thinking of paying them. Certainly I get enough usage out of the site. But man, who do they think I am? :P

Was hearing some Shawn Mullins on there and got all sentimental. You guys, Shawn Mullins is one of the sweetest people I've ever met in my life. He opened for Dar here in Boston and after the show he made a point of coming to talk to me and compliment me. O.o Dude. Was re-telling the story to [livejournal.com profile] maccaj (i.e. my other half) and she reminded me he's from her unchosen neck of the woods and has carried her down the stairs from gigs at a particular club about eight times now. HAVE I MENTIONED HE'S FUCKING AWESOME? GO BUY ALL HIS GODDAMN MUSIC. Or maybe I'll just do that. Yeah. When I'm less broke.

♥_♥ Shawn Mullins

Battle: Mice rages on. No kitty. I got talked out of it by people who reminded me of how bad it is when a kitty-kitty gets scared of mice (which happens more than you'd think.) Also, the kitty could bond with either Julia or my PCAs... So nope. I gotta wait to get a kitty until I have a fool-proof way to take care of all the feeding and such myself so that doesn't happen to me, because feed a kitty and they love you forever and I already had Grace fall in love with Gabriel and be miserable living with me by herself... I couldn't really handle that happening to me again, so yeah... waiting on the kitty thing.

Battle: Mice rages on. Bought a ton of poison and we didn't see any for two days, but there was a new wave last night. Makes sense, as this building has been infested on and off for a long time. And the maintenance people might as well have flipped us off. So. Couple more rounds of poison, maybe.

Other than that...tired. Pained. Frustrated. But I really don't want to write about any of that. Maybe one day. I feel the stirrings of a nonfiction book, I really do. (But Doug and Jer's book comes first. Pretty sure. I'm gonna need some distance from this situation first anyway.)

(Doug says hi. :) Dudes, I haven't been seeing him either, don't even get me started.)

*backspaces a bit about karma and the just deserts of psycho fandom bitches and pretends we all just don't know who I'd be writing about* Suffice it to say, however, that I'd take the mice and my crazy roommate and family any day of the week, and it's good to know that karma really is a bitch. ;)
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I couldn't resist this...Jer went CRAZY when we found this. So many family injokes, I can't even tell you. LOL.

Without further ado I bring you the video that made Jer's Thanksgiving.



I was going to post another vid that was more topical, but nothing can get in the way of Star Wars inside any brain that gets shared with Jeremy Rhodes, so... Hee.
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This is just a note to say... I have now fielded a few bitchtastic transmissions that I fielded from the fandom people I had to cut from my life... and people have noticed that I kept a lot of you guys. I want you guys to know I kept you because, primarily, you never gave me shit about taking breaks from something that was pretty much an addiction and ruining my life. (I'm not saying it's ruining anyone else's life, but it definitely helped run mine into the ground in ways you'll probably never know.) All of you who have sent me well wishes and support and emails and talked me through to the other side of this... thank you. That's why you guys are still here, and I greatly appreciate it. I met a lot of amazing folks during my foray in fandom...and you guys are it. I know I'm not around much, but I am around, and I think of you guys often. I'm just in the process of fixing a pretty wrecked life.

Thanks for standing by me, even when I was at my worst. I love you guys like you won't ever even know just for being out there under the same sky.

This is my song of the day, and it's for you all too (LOL Snow Patrol. God. I can't even. I try to escape them and then this happens.):



I don't think my icon has ever been more appropriate than right now. I'm not ignoring those words anymore.
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This song is the basis for the theme of my LiveJournal--not my Dreamwidth, because I just haven't bothered, re: DW, and honestly, the song stopped sounding true to me while I was in the bitter downward spiral I've been in for the last three years.

I am so, so, so much better now. And it feels true again. I'm so relieved.

We have all the time in the world to get it right
And we have all the love in the world to set alight



(Also one of Doug's favorites, for those playing along at home with Doug and Jer. Doug's crush on Glen Hansard is *crazy* intense, lol. God love that boy.)

First full day of a new year, and it feels fine indeed (even sick as I am, ugh.)
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Feel. So much. Better.

Have a song from Doug and Jer's collection. We love this one.

There are only two lines I disagree with in this song... Wonder if you can pick em out. :)



SO MUCH BETTER.

And it's getting better all the time.
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Doug says hello, and that this is AWESOME (attn: Monica *grin*):

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I got nothing, except for this.

Music!

Aug. 26th, 2011 08:02 pm
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So today I was having some trouble getting into the right headspace. And Doug said to me, ”Play some Frames!” and I said, ”Doug, I would love to, but I can’t access the machine with all my Frames on it.”

Well, I’ve bought a lot of Frames CDs in my time, and some of them are wickedly expensive, being imports. So he said, ”Just get more!” and I did, I torrented and I have been listening to Glen’s amazing voice all day. And then I made Doug a wee playlist for himself, but then we realized that, really, the stuff by the other artists was breaking up the flow of the mix.

Rather than zip and upload this one, since nobody tends to actually DL fanmixes and it ends up being annoying to me while I watch counters and things (cause I am just like that), I thought I would bring you another rousing rendition of the Youtube Mix Tape phenomenon. ;)

Meet Glen Hansard, mine and Doug’s most favoritest ever in the world. 5 youtubes under the cut. (Finally, Rise, Rent Day Blues and Pavement Tune and Red Chord under the cut.)
Read more... )

So there you have it. Couldn’t find my favorite versions for all of them, but hopefully the essence of the amazingness that is The Frames comes through. :)
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