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This has been one of the most amazing days of my life. Seriously, you guys.

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New default pic. This is me and Robert. I love every detail of this pic. More )
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Yesterday was the anniversary of my uncle's death. This is a pretty big deal for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in 1994 in a PTSD sense, and I don't think I've fully grieved his death. Yesterday, for a lot of reasons which are complicated, I think I went a lot of the way toward accepting what happened. I wrote this on Facebook, and since it's a bitch to track anything on FB, I wanted to catalog it here. It's the first time I've said a lot of this.

Robert R., Jun 17, 1953 - Jan 16, 1994
I always have so many things I want to say about this day, and AIDS, and what it all means to our family, because you've always meant the world, but you were never a sap and neither am I so I'll keep it short and New York. You're the reason I care about gay rights, from meeting Steve Schalchlin and repeatedly seeing the AIDS quilt, to loving the palimony agreement scene in the Birdcage. Pretty sure you're the reason everyone in my family's seen that movie over a thousand times, no joke. You're the reason I HATE Madonna, because I was jealous and I always will be, and you're the reason I'm out as hell and always will be too. I love you and I'll think about you every day until I'm where you are. I miss you. And I hope I make you proud.

--

I've felt like I've been on death watch for a long time now, kind of obsessed with the whole phenomenon. And as a result, I've been exposed to a ridiculous amount of death the last few years, in the sense that every single one hits me like a punch in the gut no matter who it is. This is pretty debilitating, since people die every day in large numbers. I've been pretty trashed, honestly. I think that actually dealing with Kerri's death, and then dealing a bit more with Robert's death, has helped me more than I could have expected.

I feel better. :) And I don't think I'm on death watch anymore.

Thank you, Robert. Again, still, always. (As usual or for the first time. :D)

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samidha

December 2012

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