fhionnuisce: (Default)
I'm going to start a gratitude journal again. I'm going to aim for three things to be grateful for every day. I can post more than that, but I can't post less.

That said, here are some for today:

- Shoddy as my eyes are, I'm glad for my eyesight. I have a weird eye problem right now due to something that happened to me and before that I was born with strabismus, so I have a hard time with visual information, but bottom line is I CAN see and there are umpteen million reasons to be grateful for that. Most recently I was grateful to be able to watch an animated short with just music to it.

- I am grateful for good books, which I've been able to get into again because of the Kindle and Nook apps (not the actual e-readers themselves, they give me the same problems print books do.) Even a very serious book transports you to a different time and place where you're not worrying about your own internal drama. A good book makes you bigger.

- I'm grateful for kitties. In my other life, before everything crashed down around my ears, I had three cats. Three cats is too much for one disabled chick, and I got really overwhelmed by them. Resenting my cats was a totally new experience and it made me feel terrible on many levels. I wasn't sure if I was capable of love anymore if I could resent poor little furballs. It was pretty tremendously head-up-gefucking. I can honestly say, however, that I am coming out of the dark. I won't be able to get a cat while I live here because I don't want it to bond to anyone but me. I've had a cat bond to a roommate and left the cat with the roommate and it completely broke my heart. Can't go through it again. So, no kitty til I live by myself again, but the good news there is that me living by myself again is in process. Thank goodness.

I could post more of these, but I think I will save the rest of them for tomorrow, since experience tells me that I will want the leeway later when I'm running low.

P.S.: Thank you very much to [personal profile] alexseanchai who hooked me up with a rename token this week. I will be going through that process in a few days. I just want to make sure I am sticking with the fhionnuisce moniker. :)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Yesterday was the anniversary of my uncle's death. This is a pretty big deal for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in 1994 in a PTSD sense, and I don't think I've fully grieved his death. Yesterday, for a lot of reasons which are complicated, I think I went a lot of the way toward accepting what happened. I wrote this on Facebook, and since it's a bitch to track anything on FB, I wanted to catalog it here. It's the first time I've said a lot of this.

Robert R., Jun 17, 1953 - Jan 16, 1994
I always have so many things I want to say about this day, and AIDS, and what it all means to our family, because you've always meant the world, but you were never a sap and neither am I so I'll keep it short and New York. You're the reason I care about gay rights, from meeting Steve Schalchlin and repeatedly seeing the AIDS quilt, to loving the palimony agreement scene in the Birdcage. Pretty sure you're the reason everyone in my family's seen that movie over a thousand times, no joke. You're the reason I HATE Madonna, because I was jealous and I always will be, and you're the reason I'm out as hell and always will be too. I love you and I'll think about you every day until I'm where you are. I miss you. And I hope I make you proud.


I've felt like I've been on death watch for a long time now, kind of obsessed with the whole phenomenon. And as a result, I've been exposed to a ridiculous amount of death the last few years, in the sense that every single one hits me like a punch in the gut no matter who it is. This is pretty debilitating, since people die every day in large numbers. I've been pretty trashed, honestly. I think that actually dealing with Kerri's death, and then dealing a bit more with Robert's death, has helped me more than I could have expected.

I feel better. :) And I don't think I'm on death watch anymore.

Thank you, Robert. Again, still, always. (As usual or for the first time. :D)


fhionnuisce: (Default)

July 2017



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