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Life is getting better and better and better all the time. It's amazing what you come to appreciate when you come back from the absolute bottom in any sense. I don't know, one of the best and worst parts about it is being completely at a loss for words about it. I can tell you that my friends and writing pulled me out of the abyss, that even when fandom was destroying my soul (because for me that's what it was doing) writing was a thread that kept the pieces of myself together... that I know one day I'll probably be able to look at that writing with a critical eye and say I learned something from it... that I still have pieces from that era that fill me with joy (some of which fill you guys with joy too)... I can tell you that my characters kept me alive, that I can now mark out where I was on my harrowing, crazy journey with distinct pieces of writing, that I produced an incredible body of work that one day I'll be proud of instead of just freaked out by... I mean, this is a point that Molly makes to me all the time: I was at my absolute lowest and while at that low point I still wrote a freaking novel(la). I didn't KNOW how low I was, but now I do, and there was still lower to go from there, basically becoming non-verbal... but somehow even when I could barely talk or string two sentences together I wrote. When I was sleeping 20 hours a day every day, I also wrote every day. There's pretty much no other proof I need that writing stitches me together on every level. I am a writer. The only people I've ever really, really needed (or accepted help from, when things were really grim) are the people in my head. It sounds kind of woo woo crazy, but I think that's just the life of an artist. I love everyone I've come back to fiercely (I tell my best friends that I love them every day, I make a very big point of this), but I don't need people as much as I need words. Words are oxygen, and characters run the O2 tanks.

I've had some of the same characters since I was nineteen years old. The idea of "losing them" has kept me from writing their book for a long time. Then my friend Phillip, who has been a godsend this past year (yes, the one who talked me down from a bible-related panic attack), who thinks like a writer all the time despite "not being a writer," told me about J. Michael Straczynski, the writer of Babylon 5. JMS is pretty epic. Not only did he do B5 but also Murder She Wrote and SHE-RA. Anyway, JMS makes a point of continuing to talk about Londo and G'Kar, two of the main characters of B5. They still follow him around and talk to him.

I think it was then that it finally sunk in that I'm probably not going to lose Doug and Jer by putting them on the page.

So this year I committed to my writing. I committed to Doug and Jer. I'm now in a writing class that's more than a writing class. Its subtitle is "career survival school for writers." I really like those words. Especially career.

I may not ever make a shit-ton of money. I have to be careful about SSI. But I write from my blood, from my very atoms, and I can always use that. Thank God (pretty much literally) I came back from what I came back from. I can thank God and words and my friends, pretty much in that order. Coming back from the abyss is why I believe in all those things more strongly than I ever have before. I can always use what I have, whether I just write for my friends, my family, or all the people looking for a character like Doug and Jer. I'm not in this to make money. I'm in this because words are my medium. They're why I'm here. They're what I'm supposed to do. The fact that I am afforded that opportunity again and again is amazing, and I will never squander it. Committing to that basic truth about myself is the best thing that I've ever done for myself, and THAT'S what's going to enable me to help other people.

It's only getting better.

Hey, boys. Thanks for waiting for me. This is our year. I'm going to write a SHIT TON of books.

"You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." - Maya Angelou (just found this quote today. Bam. Thanks, Maya.)

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I am not really keeping track to make sure this happens every 24 hours... Ah well. Staying in what my friend Julia calls "easy world" about it. :)

I have a ton of things to be grateful for today, but I'll keep it to the usual three.

- I'm really grateful for the support I got yesterday and that nobody freaked out and got offended. Especially grateful to Phillip for talking me out of a panic attack. I took all your comments to heart and they all helped. :)

- I remain grateful for Desmond, my case manager. He's such a badass. He's helping me work out what to do about how I got surprise!zealots working for me because they were just foisted on me.

- I'm really grateful for the Internet, even though I need to work a lot on my net addiction. Workflowy and Spotify are kicking so much ass for me right now. (You guys, check out Workflowy! SO COOL. Evernote is neat too.) And I have such a badass soundtrack for Doug and Jer going now... Decided to just scrap the old one (lost a long time ago but I was holding out hope that [livejournal.com profile] maccaj would be able to resurrect it for me from her files) and rebuild. It was a lot of fun, and because of Spotify I could pretty much pick from ANYTHING. :D And [livejournal.com profile] devinlind totally immediately subscribed to it there. LOL.
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Doug has recently let me know he really, really likes this song, except we can't stand Iron and Wine anymore because it belonged to SotSP. ;) So today we spent some time looking for the right cover, and while we couldn't find exactly what we were looking for we did find THIS amazing cover of it, and by extension this musician in general. She's a senior in high school and she's kind of amazing.



Good stuff. Much, much better than the original, although both Doug and Jer would like to find another cover with the Iron and Wine guitar part and a male voice... Sad that we can't, past a very small snippet at the end of another live song by Matt Nathanson (which probably got us started).

Yeah, I'm nuts with the talking to my characters, but they keep me sane, and I'm a lot saner than I used to be so it's all good. ;)
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Jer and I like this song. There are a few ways to read it for me, but I think we both like it because it's kind of the way the parentals were, and kind of reminds me of what happens when you go from being a cute little "sellable" gimp who needs to be kept down and controlled by ABs to, well, whatever you become when you stop being cute.



Or it could just mean I was raised to be a spoiled brat and then ditched, 'cause that totally happened too. ;)

In other news:

Dear Doug and Steve,

Write "Home" faster, you guys! COME ON. ;) (Jer's getting bored waiting for his scene...)

love,
me

In still other news, man, Facebook keeps giving me this ad for a shirt that says, "Jedi for Jesus," and every time Jer sees it he's like, "LEAVE MY UNIVERSE OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE, GOD DAMMIT."

This is why I keep him. ;)
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What a whirlwind week. I hope everyone had a good holiday this year, whichever yours was. I am unsure if I have ever been so ready for a new year. I don't really want to get into it, but yeah, damn.

Good things about 2011:

- I'm here.
- I stopped being crazy.
- I started up my energy work practice again. A bit.
- I got back in touch with my best friend after this sort of fugue thing I was going through. I will never let her out of my (vast electronic) sight again.
- I got rid of several abusive PCAs and am in general taking back control of several things on that score.
- Writing. If there's one thing I proved in 2011, it's that my sanity is tied to writing. It kept some tiny part of my rational self alive. I wrote almost every day this year. Even when I felt half-dead and hopeless. I think that means I'm a writer.
- The day I stopped fighting tooth and nail with my roommate because we realized the instigators were aformentioned abusive PCAs.
- Maternal grandmother survived a third round with cancer.
- Holy shit, goodbye DADT! This is why Obama is my President.
- Escape from duck nation SUCCEEDED. Extraction from psycho weird bad relationship with She of t he Spider Phobia completed.
- Writing Doug and Jer again! And Treasa and Steve and Brian! HEE. So awesome.
- Finding Pandora
- New connections with old friends.

The bad things about 2011:
- Paternal grandmother diagnosed with cancer.
- Death, death, death, death, death, and more death on the side, including my neighbor and friend on 12/26.
- SPN cons, the wasting of my money.
- I suck at money exponentially. Wow.

There are plenty of terrible things going on... but I honestly can't think of that many. My positives WAY outweigh the negatives... Surprised by that, honestly. I feel like this year's been TERRIBLE. I will say it's been pretty much 24/7 STRESS. Can't get a stable PCA situation to save my life. That's the main stress. Having people in my home FREAKS ME OUT. I'm committed in 2012 to learning/re-learning skills so that I can minimize the presence of PCAs as much as possible. I can't minimize the hours they're here, though, because if I do they'll cut my hours... so... yeah. Stressful situation is stressful. But... at least I am slowly taking back the situation.

I'm tired and avoiding writing something. Second time ever that Doug's father has come asking me to write something... in 11 years. Heh. Hi, Marcus. So apparently I have a side project for when I'm not working on "Home" with maccaj.

It's 2012 and we haven't all disappeared in the Mayan Rapture or whatever the hell's slated for right about now. Which is good, cause I've had enough death for 5 people this year.
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Crossposting is failing, so I've taken to writing back over on LJ just due to the higher volume of readers. Not abandoning this place yet, but yeah... that's where I've been. My peeps are still there. *shrugs*

Thursday is Doug's birthday. So I am taking prompts and/or questions. Details are here: Clickery. You can put prompts anywhere between either post.

If I don't get any... Jer will probably think of something. Problem is, Jer's much more private than Doug is. ;) He might not even tell me FOR A MILLION YEARS. *cough*

Annnnnyway. Happy early birthday, Doug. I hope you're having a good week. <3 <3 <3

In other news, I am renaming the journals to...something. I think it's going to be something as Gaeilge. (In Irish) I think I have to get...at least as much as I used to know back before I write Doug and Jer's book, as there are about a million potential Irish who may show up and claim a spot in the pages... *is nervous* I mean...I wouldn't be thinking about it, 'cause they're [livejournal.com profile] maccaj's chasracters, but seeing as Doug and Jer have pretty much let me know they're a package deal I'm pretty much like... "Well, I guess I'll learn some Irish." :P

Whee.
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This song is the basis for the theme of my LiveJournal--not my Dreamwidth, because I just haven't bothered, re: DW, and honestly, the song stopped sounding true to me while I was in the bitter downward spiral I've been in for the last three years.

I am so, so, so much better now. And it feels true again. I'm so relieved.

We have all the time in the world to get it right
And we have all the love in the world to set alight



(Also one of Doug's favorites, for those playing along at home with Doug and Jer. Doug's crush on Glen Hansard is *crazy* intense, lol. God love that boy.)

First full day of a new year, and it feels fine indeed (even sick as I am, ugh.)
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Doug says hello, and that this is AWESOME (attn: Monica *grin*):

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Doug would like it to be known that he really likes this

Read more... )

and this
Read more... )

And they both like this:
Read more... )

He would also like to thank the small subset of my flist who are reading his and Jer’s strange missives. They had a bit of a hard time with people last time they came to LJ. He appreciates you guys. :D

New fic hopefully in the coming work week....
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I’ll take Things My Characters Have Never Told Me Before for 1000, Alex.

Holy shit. Well, then.

Now if I could just figure out the rest of the story that goes around this scene....
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Had a friend tell me today that since I started writing my own stuff again I am much more myself. Had another friend concur. It is nice. On that subject, the boys have been bombarding me with story ideas. I have 3 of them percolating in my head. (2 of them from Jer, one from Doug.) The boys tell me to just go with it and hang on for the ride. They are going to write them, I am just the typist (which is how I feel about ”First Light.” I barely wrote that.). Each of them are going to be interesting. I wonder if they will each resolve into their own story, or what... In my head FL was two stories that ultimately resolved into one (and I think the story was better for it. Gave it layers.) They are still rejoicing that I finally aged them up and they can use some adult themes now, so I can tell you that all of them will push the envelope a little. I don’t write easy stories when it comes to these boys. Never have, never will. They aren’t here for that.

*happy sigh* Doug got his first hug in three years from Treasa in RP today. It was kind of beyond amazing. They never left, no matter how deep into fandom I went or how utterly bugfuck I went. I cannot tell you how amazing and insane that is. *is very, very loved*
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New Doug and Jer up. It is exceedingly gay, kinky and definitely porny. Gimp porn is never just porn, though. We can’t really afford for it to be. It lives on LJ, as before--no one from DW is in the locked group anyway. If you want to be in the group, let me know. I think I have picked up everyone.

Man, they have been waiting for me to be ready to write that for 11 years. (It took a LOT of convincing. I have kept them way too young for this piece in my head for the whole time I have known them.)
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New Doug-n-Jer drabbles are posted. They live on LJ, because when I use custom groups on DW it crashes crossposting. If you want to see the drabbles, they live here: http://samidha.livejournal.com/1319651.html ...Leave me a comment and I will add you to the friends group.

Unlike the last set of drabbles, which I didn’t actually try to limit by length, these are 100 words each... so the piece is only 500 words. I need for there to be more. I miss my boys. So there will probably be more, although I dunno when. If I funnel all the energy I spend generally on fanfic into these boys then there will be more, and soon, but writing my boys always makes me way more nervous so who knows... (The running commentary on this--from them--in my head is interesting but I won’t reproduce it. That would be a bit weird and self-indulgent.)
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This break from fandom is interesting. Wrote five drabbles today with my original characters in. I was going to post, but Doug is feeling shy. He wants me to practice more before I start showing him and Jer off again. Last time I showed them to a fannish crowd, it didn’t go that well.

I may post them flocked, but I don’t know who to lock it to besides Maccaj. If you really want to meet Doug and Jer, you could always leave a comment here and I could hook you up. But if anyone complains they are, you know, original characters, I will probably get bitchy. :P

On a related note, I wasn’t sure Jer was speaking to me at all... he is angry with me for going away. But he narrated the drabbles, so I guess I really have nothing to fear. We will eventually work it out. :)
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Because making a mix tape is more fun easier than writing Doug and Jer, and also because my roommate just desperately needs new music before I DIE.

Youtubes...
Read more... )

Today.

Jul. 31st, 2011 06:57 pm
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Today, for the first time in years, both my OCs, Doug and Jeremy, who had a novel in progress in my head, and who got published a few times and are out there in the world, came home to say hello.

Doug is jealous of Ben and wants a high and tight, ”because damn, they’re hot.” And because he hasn’t gotten two weeks of my undivided attention in three years.

He says Jer is with him, and I believe that much, although Jer doesn’t want to come back out because it’s been a long time. He was always shyer, always let Doug come out and do most of the talking for him.

But he’s there.

Maybe I should listen to them.

But I would miss Dean like a limb, but that’s how I used to miss my Jeremy and augh whyyyyy must I choose. Yes, I know Dean has millions of followers and doesn’t need me, and Jeremy has, well, me and [profile] maccaj... but...but...damn. But also, Dean will be there when I come back....

Sigh. I want to keep them ALL.

But Dean will be here when I get back.

Read more... )

...Thank you for this. This isn’t something I thought I was gonna get back, or that I deserved it back at all.

So, yeah, thank you.
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