fhionnuisce: (Default)
Gratitude Journal, abbreviated:

Friday:
- Tea and speakers from Dad courtesy of Amazon.
- The fact that when our Internet went out it did so on the day that we had a serviceman coming anyway. Much improved from the days I went 3 months without an Internet connection to my computer.
- The delicious salad I had for dinner. I have to be careful with veggies for medical reasons (counterintuitive, I know), and I am extremely partial to salads, and vastly prefer raw to cooked vegetation. Salads make my world go round. :)

Saturday:
- Long conversation with my best friend, Phillip.
- Books in the mail from my other best friend, Molly.
- Getting my favorite meditation redownloaded from Audible and onto my computer and my phone so I can start meditating again. 30 seconds into the first run-through after several years, I felt immeasurably better.

Now, sleep.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
In light of the fact that my journals are going back to being much more ABOUT ME, and because I'm very serious now about my original writing making a comeback, I'm thinking pretty seriously about taking my fanfic down. I will take arguments for or against this, but ultimately the decision will be mine. You may take this intermediary period as a time to save any of my work you like. Just in case it were to ever come up in places like spnstoryfinders or whatever, I DO NOT really want people circulating these around once I take them down.

They will continue to exist on AO3, but I may orphan them. Still deciding.

Your thoughts are welcome.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
I'm going to start a gratitude journal again. I'm going to aim for three things to be grateful for every day. I can post more than that, but I can't post less.

That said, here are some for today:

- Shoddy as my eyes are, I'm glad for my eyesight. I have a weird eye problem right now due to something that happened to me and before that I was born with strabismus, so I have a hard time with visual information, but bottom line is I CAN see and there are umpteen million reasons to be grateful for that. Most recently I was grateful to be able to watch an animated short with just music to it.

- I am grateful for good books, which I've been able to get into again because of the Kindle and Nook apps (not the actual e-readers themselves, they give me the same problems print books do.) Even a very serious book transports you to a different time and place where you're not worrying about your own internal drama. A good book makes you bigger.

- I'm grateful for kitties. In my other life, before everything crashed down around my ears, I had three cats. Three cats is too much for one disabled chick, and I got really overwhelmed by them. Resenting my cats was a totally new experience and it made me feel terrible on many levels. I wasn't sure if I was capable of love anymore if I could resent poor little furballs. It was pretty tremendously head-up-gefucking. I can honestly say, however, that I am coming out of the dark. I won't be able to get a cat while I live here because I don't want it to bond to anyone but me. I've had a cat bond to a roommate and left the cat with the roommate and it completely broke my heart. Can't go through it again. So, no kitty til I live by myself again, but the good news there is that me living by myself again is in process. Thank goodness.

I could post more of these, but I think I will save the rest of them for tomorrow, since experience tells me that I will want the leeway later when I'm running low.

P.S.: Thank you very much to [personal profile] alexseanchai who hooked me up with a rename token this week. I will be going through that process in a few days. I just want to make sure I am sticking with the fhionnuisce moniker. :)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Still alive. I haven't been posting much because I hate the samidha monicker which I'm still using on DW. I made a couple of new filters, and I keep intending to post on them, but I've just not been in the right headspace. It feels kind of gossipy to post on here these days. I'll also tell the truth. I haven't been in the greatest emotional place. I don't feel like sharing. I'm okay, though, I got through the worst of it to the other side. I just don't feel like spreading much more about it.

Hope you all are well. I'm dealing okay. :)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Fuck yeah. I just totally exploded a huge writing block this week. Hopefully I will be restarting a crappy-ass crappy draft of the perennial novel in progress starting tomorrow. (I'd say today, but I've gotten 3 hours of sleep in 2 shifts, and I feel like I've been kicked in the head. :P)

I miss the bits I had already written... but they're gone now, and the only way to have a completed draft is to just start somewhere and go forward.

Also: Chaz Bono is awesome. That is all.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
This has truly been a day from hell. I'm okay, just wrung out, over-extended, exhausted, and in a really uncomfortable place. It'll all resolve itself. Eventually. Meh.

I found out about this person today, who's going through medical hell. I thought I would do a signal boost. He's dealing with stage IV colon cancer and a lack of insurance.

My friend [livejournal.com profile] brewergnome says:

This is a really good guy. Funny and full of life. He's a year older than me, from my Alma Mater, Carleton College.

Right now, HE'S the face of the Affordable Care Act in both its good and bad. He's hit his lifetime cap and he may not survive until the extensions the fed granted to insurance companies run out in 2014. No amount of planning can expect something like this.

http://poopstrong.org/
fhionnuisce: (Default)
New default pic. This is me and Robert. I love every detail of this pic. More )
fhionnuisce: (Default)
First of all, Prop 8 has been declared unconstitutional. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT FUTURE MARRIAGES IN CA ARE LEGAL BUT THAT THEY CAN'T BE MADE ILLEGAL. They're going to have to re-pass gay marriage there, and that's assuming this does okay in the Supreme Court, but so far this is a big step.

Compared to that, my progress is pretty small. (Even though I have a little bit of bitterness that this had to happen at all, but at least now it's been declared that basically anything less than marriage is discriminatory.)

Today I: Met with case manager, who helped me terminate yet another PCA. This one refused to be professional, repeatedly asking after my sex life and flirting in a really gross way that felt rapey, then backing off of it, of course. God, people are so gross. It feels really rapey and I'm that much further from believing in good PCAs.

So that was a big deal. Did that. Then I also found a bunch of paperwork, went over some bills with my case manager, and some other formal business. After he left, printed off 6 months of bank statements. Tomorrow he will be back and we'll go over them. MY FINANCES MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE for the first time in ages.

Oh, and I made that intro post a sticky at the top, and in general reorganized my stickies a bit, including making my fanfic pages that much less noticable--I hope. I debated deleting my stories, but as my friends would say, I have more class than that. ;) Still...I'm that much closer to taking them off the blog. If I did so, they would remain on AO3.

Not sure when I will be able to afford to rename this journal (the Dreamwidth side). I feel like it's the last step I need to complete to fully distance myself from the "samidha" persona, even though my name(s) would remain attached to each other (i.e. you can still use samidha.livejournal.com to get to me even though I am now transitioning to fhionnuiscetine/fhionnuisce.)

I am so, so, so beyond broke, like, major surprise debt! The good news is, none of the debt is on credit cards (although I haven't checked my credit cards in a while, I don't use them.) Everything will be with people who don't charge much interest. But I still have to ascertain a payment plan for surprise medical bills and surprise missing checks, mainly because I had a computer get fried and I had to replace it or risk my sanity (no joke).

At this point, very honestly, I am not above asking ye of my readership if you wouldn't take up a tiny collection for me to buy a rename token for Dreamwidth. I REALLY don't want to be samidha anymore, every time I see it it makes me throw up in my mouth a little and it reminds me of Spider Phobia Girl, literally going crazy, and the sickening amount of money I sank into fandom.

Much as this is a mental health thing, every cent I own is now accounted for for the next gods only know how long. My case manager is going to help me work out a payment plan tomorrow. But no matter what said payment plan is going to be, the end result will be "every cent you have is now still owed to other people." I knew I couldn't really afford to rename both LJ and DW on my own, but I chose to do so on LJ because of the relevant prevalence of the samidha monicker over there.

I know I'm not the only one in financial trouble right now, and it feels like such a petty little thing, except it's kind of a mental health deal... To the point that I'm actually updating over on LJ more than I do on DW because I don't want to deal with my DW account name.

A rename costs $15. If anyone wants to help hook me up, even $1 at a time, please let me know.

Somewhere around here I have a check from [livejournal.com profile] jennytork, and I haven't forgotten it. If I find it, it actually gets me about halfway there. But I gotta find it first. LOL.

Ugh, I feel like slime right now, but I'm so financially strapped that... there it is. If anyone wants my Paypal details, PM me?

FYI, the new username will be fhionnuisce, to match my tumblr (which, FYI, is turning into a dream journal and gender issues blog. I don't even know) and somewhat match my LJ.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Today is a good day in my fandom-related recovery.

Apparently there is a new product. Supernatural press-on nails with art on them. I wouldn't know, but I found it in an article on TV inspired nail art, which I wouldn't have clicked had I thought about it. But I did and I got to the Supernatural one and thought, "Of COURSE this exists." But, other than the standard symbol of a pentacle, I didn't recognize any of the symbols/art, nor do I care.

Fuck yeah. :)
fhionnuisce: (ODAD Dean)
Of Dreams and Demons Master Post

The thing that is not a man pays a visit to the Winchesters on November 2, 1983, and things don't go quite as anyone would expect from then on.

This way.... )
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Yesterday was the anniversary of my uncle's death. This is a pretty big deal for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in 1994 in a PTSD sense, and I don't think I've fully grieved his death. Yesterday, for a lot of reasons which are complicated, I think I went a lot of the way toward accepting what happened. I wrote this on Facebook, and since it's a bitch to track anything on FB, I wanted to catalog it here. It's the first time I've said a lot of this.

Robert R., Jun 17, 1953 - Jan 16, 1994
I always have so many things I want to say about this day, and AIDS, and what it all means to our family, because you've always meant the world, but you were never a sap and neither am I so I'll keep it short and New York. You're the reason I care about gay rights, from meeting Steve Schalchlin and repeatedly seeing the AIDS quilt, to loving the palimony agreement scene in the Birdcage. Pretty sure you're the reason everyone in my family's seen that movie over a thousand times, no joke. You're the reason I HATE Madonna, because I was jealous and I always will be, and you're the reason I'm out as hell and always will be too. I love you and I'll think about you every day until I'm where you are. I miss you. And I hope I make you proud.

--

I've felt like I've been on death watch for a long time now, kind of obsessed with the whole phenomenon. And as a result, I've been exposed to a ridiculous amount of death the last few years, in the sense that every single one hits me like a punch in the gut no matter who it is. This is pretty debilitating, since people die every day in large numbers. I've been pretty trashed, honestly. I think that actually dealing with Kerri's death, and then dealing a bit more with Robert's death, has helped me more than I could have expected.

I feel better. :) And I don't think I'm on death watch anymore.

Thank you, Robert. Again, still, always. (As usual or for the first time. :D)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Doug has recently let me know he really, really likes this song, except we can't stand Iron and Wine anymore because it belonged to SotSP. ;) So today we spent some time looking for the right cover, and while we couldn't find exactly what we were looking for we did find THIS amazing cover of it, and by extension this musician in general. She's a senior in high school and she's kind of amazing.



Good stuff. Much, much better than the original, although both Doug and Jer would like to find another cover with the Iron and Wine guitar part and a male voice... Sad that we can't, past a very small snippet at the end of another live song by Matt Nathanson (which probably got us started).

Yeah, I'm nuts with the talking to my characters, but they keep me sane, and I'm a lot saner than I used to be so it's all good. ;)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
This is sort of like the "if I felt like all this was written in stone maybe it'd make it into my profile, but since I'm on shakier ground I'll just make a supplemental-to-the-profile post.

Realizations of the last few months/weeks/days which might get their own posts, or might not, but haven't warranted them so far:

- Can now say officially I'm a deist. Which is to say I believe there is most definitely a God, but I can't pin down anything else out of any other philosophy. It's not that I don't think pieces of philosophies are correct, but that I don't think any singular philosophy gets it, besides the fact that I've had way too many spiritual experiences to deny there is a God. Don't try and pin me down past that. :)

- Tried a new years resolution which backfired. Speaking of things that won't get their own post.

- Holy shit: Genderqueer much? Yes! (Brave enough for boy hair? Not really sure. Have wanted boy hair since ever, have been slowly ramping up to it since Demcember-y time. It's close to happening, at least.)

- Mmmmmmmm... kink. Not back involved in my local scene, but I am doing a lot better with self-acceptance of this, and feeling a lot better for it. Slowly getting my thoughts together for the people I now consider my doms, and in general I'm feeling really peaceful and balanced because I'm no longer trying to erase this, instead. That? Turns out to be a bad idea.

- Wow. Turns out I can socialize. Still. Again.

- With the Kindle desktop app (not the actual Kindle, or the phone app, both of which I have tried), I can read again!

- I'm back to circulating in a small subculture among people with disabilities. I think I can credit coming to live here, going through Kerri's memorial service, and seeing how short life can be. It reminded me who my people really are, and why. That? Is something I think you just have to feel in your gut. And I'm glad I have people AT ALL... cause there was a period where I didn't feel queer,I didn't feel like a writer, I didn't feel genderqueer, didn't feel disabled. Just felt... terrible and hopeless.

I've also got a new general rule of thumb that sort of dawned on me as a result of all this... which is probably really "duh" but is helping me keep my head on straight. As I said to Meg... time for round two, bitches.

- I feel like I'm getting less and less neurotic by the day. I think I can credit my energy work practice and the kink and all that comes with it, even though I'm not doing terribly much. Being connected back in on both levels is a huge \o/. Can't even tell you, really. I need both aspects in my life... and now that I have them, there is happiness.

- Writing, thinking about writing, talking about writing, it's all keeping me going. Yep, I'm a writer. I'm basically writing two books in my head right now. Granted, that doesn't mean any of they'll get on paper for a while. But they WILL get written.

- Music! Listening to music again is such a huge deal for me, which is probably why all I can do lately is spew youtubes. When I'm really depressed, I just completely stop--as has happened twice now. Also went through a period where I couldn't even breathe and listen to music at the same time (asthma or brain issues, or both, who knows.) So. Now I can listen to music and write, or talk, or breathe--somewhat--at the same time, and hence why Pandora is a literal lifesaver for me. So, so, so, so, so, so relieved, you guys.

So yeah. Life isn't easy, but it is good, genuinely good. :)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Jer and I like this song. There are a few ways to read it for me, but I think we both like it because it's kind of the way the parentals were, and kind of reminds me of what happens when you go from being a cute little "sellable" gimp who needs to be kept down and controlled by ABs to, well, whatever you become when you stop being cute.



Or it could just mean I was raised to be a spoiled brat and then ditched, 'cause that totally happened too. ;)

In other news:

Dear Doug and Steve,

Write "Home" faster, you guys! COME ON. ;) (Jer's getting bored waiting for his scene...)

love,
me

In still other news, man, Facebook keeps giving me this ad for a shirt that says, "Jedi for Jesus," and every time Jer sees it he's like, "LEAVE MY UNIVERSE OUT OF YOUR UNIVERSE, GOD DAMMIT."

This is why I keep him. ;)
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Yesterday was the memorial service for my friend Kerri Miceli.

I can't say anything amazing and articulate right now. I will say that she was my best friend in the apartment complex (or in fact the entire group of complexes we'r'e affiliated with). I'm severely, severely agoraphobic--Emily Dickinson is quickly becoming my idol, or something, to give you a comparison. For those who don't know, she rarely left her home but she must have written every day. So anyway, since I don't really leave my house... Kerri being my friend meant a hell of a lot. She was safe. I could tell her almost anything--although she never believed anything bad of me, so there were certain topics we just didn't get into. The person I want to talk to most in the world right now is her. My PTSD is going batshit crazy right now, and I'm pretty sure it's worse because she's not here.

Which makes me feel like shit, like it's some kind of guilt trip towards her or something.

This is just not an easy place to be. People here are in some cases really sick. My roommate's lost her entire family this year, one at a time. It's just... it's hard.

I know how this song and dance goes. I'm going to miss her every day, and think of her every day, and wish I had told her I loved her every time I saw her. I'm going to cry every day for a while. And I'm going to think about all her projects that were left undone, and wish I could fix that, but know there's only one person who could have done that.

I'm glad I was at the service, and got there early. Her dad talked to me a lot, gave me possibly the best hug of my life, and told me I was a great friend to Kerri. Man, it should just never happen that a parent has to bury a child. Ever. I can't think of anything more... just... God, why? These poor people. I should have hugged back harder.

I asked him to stay in touch and he lit up. He kept stopping me to talk to me. I think I helped. I hope I helped.

Here I am writing way more than I thought I was going to. But at times like these I think you just want to say as much as you can over and over so nobody forgets.

In the end I didn't really know Kerri Miceli well enough. She was only in my life for a year and a half. But I knew how to pronounce her name--better than the minister--and what she liked and who she was and how to be good to her parents.

That has to be enough, right?

*sigh*

Onward.

fhionnuisce: (Default)
Fixed crossposting! Yay!

Cogitating on a state-of-the-spirituality type post, as there have been some major shifts on that score... (OMG, I can actually spare thought toward spirituality again!) Couple of other half-posts are in my head, but nothing that warrants a full post yet. I'm not going to lean on DW/LJ as heavily as I used to do, probably not ever again, but I think that articulating some things about where I stand now is a good idea to help me feel rooted in what I'm dealing with now. So. Yay.

Apologies for the recent deluge particularly on LJ. Soon it will settle back out to just writing and occasional youtubes. ;)

Test

Jan. 5th, 2012 03:59 pm
fhionnuisce: (Default)
test
fhionnuisce: (Default)
Crossposting between DW and LJ is now slightly broken for me because I have two different names and don't know how to fix the crosspost settings (I can see where I'm supposed to edit them. I just don't seem to be able to edit the right thing from what I can tell.) So I've been posting over on LJ since I did my name change.

The very abbreviated story is that the name samidha is now really attached to fandom for me, and I left the fandom, after much wailing, gnashing of teeth, soul-searching and other drama... Fandom was eating my life, I want my life back. It's not a judgment against anyone else's fandom foo.

Anyway, here is the post I wrote most recently on it. Other than this post, what I've been posting is writing of original characters and/or writing process stuff. The writing is locked because they're my/our original characters. Not sure if anyone over here is interested in seeing them... Show of hands?

Moving on... my most recent post:
Did a pass over my communities a little bit ago, got rid of as many comms as I could think of that I either didn't want to deal with anymore, or haven't been dealing with. Mostly these were Supernatural comms. Today I did something I haven't in months--tried to read my friends page. Having done so, I found some more comms to ditch, including the one for mac users. LOL. (Good riddance, overpriced Apple store.)

I may actually be able to read my flist again and maybe retain some things from it. I miss many of you. I hope I can keep up better now.

This is the last call. All my SPN comms are gone. [ETA: Except one that does file exchange party things. *whistles innocently* That might be gone shortly though.] I've left the fandom. It really stuck this time.

Hopefully the people who remain are not made uncomfortable by the fact that I had to leave. If you're uncomfortable here, the only thing I can suggest is to unfriend. I'm not coming back and I'm not writing any more fic (but I am not deleting any of what exists either). I am slowly re-engaging in my life after a period of totally not.

Many of you didn't really know the real me. I can't say that the real me is entirely back yet... or if there will be much writing here when I feel fully back in the saddle... but, well, if you have any doubts who you're dealing with at this point, give my profile another look. Most of it is still true, if in a muted, somewhat more timid way after having been through a lot of crap since I was last so vocal about who I was.

Anyway... so yeah. Feel free to get comfortable again, or walk away. I really won't judge. It's up to you if you want to see the non-fandom me or not.

At the moment posting will remain sparse anyway... Spoons are definitely all still going to rebuilding my life right now. But I want everyone who's here to be on the same page.

I'd like to thank you all again for the overall amount of support I've received here since I decided to leave fandom. None of that has gone unnoticed. Trust me. So...thanks. It's helped more than you'll ever know.

Onward!

---

And about the rename that will be coming to this journal shortly:

I have found a username that's available both on DW and LJ. Fhionnuiscetine.

The hell is that?

It means phoenix fire (phoenix was taken). It also means bright water fire. Which is really, really awesome. See...that's sort of a running joke between myself and maccaj: our clan of characters primarily uses the last name O'Dubhshlaine which means people of the black water. Shortly before I met her, I had spontaneously changed Doug's name to, well, Doug, from Michael. Doug means black river/black water. So I had been trying to think of a username that incorporated a water element, especially because I am a water sign, and I periodically have intense nostalgia/fondness for such things. It wasn't happening and wasn't happening, til maccaj pointed out that I reminded her of a phoenix and that in Irish it has a double meaning. :)

So. Fhionnuiscetine. It's pronounced Finn-ISSH-key TIE-nuh, and, well, I hope that I can live up to it.

The DW journal won't be being renamed til Jan 1 as it costs money and all. Feel free to get used to the idea over on LJ. *grin* (It's not done there either...)

SUCCESS.

I will still be using the name Naoise somewhere in my profile because, well, it's appropriate.

Best of both worlds.

Go forth and be confused by all the Gaeilge. ;) Just think--sometime in 2012 I'll be starting to study it again, and then there'll be even more of it around.

ETA: I may just be using Fhionnuisce on DW... it's free.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
What a whirlwind week. I hope everyone had a good holiday this year, whichever yours was. I am unsure if I have ever been so ready for a new year. I don't really want to get into it, but yeah, damn.

Good things about 2011:

- I'm here.
- I stopped being crazy.
- I started up my energy work practice again. A bit.
- I got back in touch with my best friend after this sort of fugue thing I was going through. I will never let her out of my (vast electronic) sight again.
- I got rid of several abusive PCAs and am in general taking back control of several things on that score.
- Writing. If there's one thing I proved in 2011, it's that my sanity is tied to writing. It kept some tiny part of my rational self alive. I wrote almost every day this year. Even when I felt half-dead and hopeless. I think that means I'm a writer.
- The day I stopped fighting tooth and nail with my roommate because we realized the instigators were aformentioned abusive PCAs.
- Maternal grandmother survived a third round with cancer.
- Holy shit, goodbye DADT! This is why Obama is my President.
- Escape from duck nation SUCCEEDED. Extraction from psycho weird bad relationship with She of t he Spider Phobia completed.
- Writing Doug and Jer again! And Treasa and Steve and Brian! HEE. So awesome.
- Finding Pandora
- New connections with old friends.

The bad things about 2011:
- Paternal grandmother diagnosed with cancer.
- Death, death, death, death, death, and more death on the side, including my neighbor and friend on 12/26.
- SPN cons, the wasting of my money.
- I suck at money exponentially. Wow.

There are plenty of terrible things going on... but I honestly can't think of that many. My positives WAY outweigh the negatives... Surprised by that, honestly. I feel like this year's been TERRIBLE. I will say it's been pretty much 24/7 STRESS. Can't get a stable PCA situation to save my life. That's the main stress. Having people in my home FREAKS ME OUT. I'm committed in 2012 to learning/re-learning skills so that I can minimize the presence of PCAs as much as possible. I can't minimize the hours they're here, though, because if I do they'll cut my hours... so... yeah. Stressful situation is stressful. But... at least I am slowly taking back the situation.

I'm tired and avoiding writing something. Second time ever that Doug's father has come asking me to write something... in 11 years. Heh. Hi, Marcus. So apparently I have a side project for when I'm not working on "Home" with maccaj.

It's 2012 and we haven't all disappeared in the Mayan Rapture or whatever the hell's slated for right about now. Which is good, cause I've had enough death for 5 people this year.
fhionnuisce: (Default)
I have found a username that's available both on DW and LJ. Fhionnuiscetine.

The hell is that?

It means phoenix fire (phoenix was taken). It also means bright water fire. Which is really, really awesome. See...that's sort of a running joke between myself and maccaj: our clan of characters primarily uses the last name O'Dubhshlaine which means people of the black water. Shortly before I met her, I had spontaneously changed Doug's name to, well, Doug, from Michael. Doug means black river/black water. So I had been trying to think of a username that incorporated a water element, especially because I am a water sign, and I periodically have intense nostalgia/fondness for such things. It wasn't happening and wasn't happening, til maccaj pointed out that I reminded her of a phoenix and that in Irish it has a double meaning. :)

So. Fhionnuiscetine. It's pronounced Finn-ISSH-key TIE-nuh, and, well, I hope that I can live up to it.

The DW journal won't be being renamed til Jan 1 as it costs money and all. Feel free to get used to the idea over on LJ. *grin* (It's not done there either...)

SUCCESS.

I will still be using the name Naoise somewhere in my profile because, well, it's appropriate.

Best of both worlds.

Go forth and be confused by all the Gaeilge. ;) Just think--sometime in 2012 I'll be starting to study it again, and then there'll be even more of it around.
Page generated Feb. 21st, 2017 05:13 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios