Jan. 10th, 2012

fhionnuisce: (Default)
This is sort of like the "if I felt like all this was written in stone maybe it'd make it into my profile, but since I'm on shakier ground I'll just make a supplemental-to-the-profile post.

Realizations of the last few months/weeks/days which might get their own posts, or might not, but haven't warranted them so far:

- Can now say officially I'm a deist. Which is to say I believe there is most definitely a God, but I can't pin down anything else out of any other philosophy. It's not that I don't think pieces of philosophies are correct, but that I don't think any singular philosophy gets it, besides the fact that I've had way too many spiritual experiences to deny there is a God. Don't try and pin me down past that. :)

- Tried a new years resolution which backfired. Speaking of things that won't get their own post.

- Holy shit: Genderqueer much? Yes! (Brave enough for boy hair? Not really sure. Have wanted boy hair since ever, have been slowly ramping up to it since Demcember-y time. It's close to happening, at least.)

- Mmmmmmmm... kink. Not back involved in my local scene, but I am doing a lot better with self-acceptance of this, and feeling a lot better for it. Slowly getting my thoughts together for the people I now consider my doms, and in general I'm feeling really peaceful and balanced because I'm no longer trying to erase this, instead. That? Turns out to be a bad idea.

- Wow. Turns out I can socialize. Still. Again.

- With the Kindle desktop app (not the actual Kindle, or the phone app, both of which I have tried), I can read again!

- I'm back to circulating in a small subculture among people with disabilities. I think I can credit coming to live here, going through Kerri's memorial service, and seeing how short life can be. It reminded me who my people really are, and why. That? Is something I think you just have to feel in your gut. And I'm glad I have people AT ALL... cause there was a period where I didn't feel queer,I didn't feel like a writer, I didn't feel genderqueer, didn't feel disabled. Just felt... terrible and hopeless.

I've also got a new general rule of thumb that sort of dawned on me as a result of all this... which is probably really "duh" but is helping me keep my head on straight. As I said to Meg... time for round two, bitches.

- I feel like I'm getting less and less neurotic by the day. I think I can credit my energy work practice and the kink and all that comes with it, even though I'm not doing terribly much. Being connected back in on both levels is a huge \o/. Can't even tell you, really. I need both aspects in my life... and now that I have them, there is happiness.

- Writing, thinking about writing, talking about writing, it's all keeping me going. Yep, I'm a writer. I'm basically writing two books in my head right now. Granted, that doesn't mean any of they'll get on paper for a while. But they WILL get written.

- Music! Listening to music again is such a huge deal for me, which is probably why all I can do lately is spew youtubes. When I'm really depressed, I just completely stop--as has happened twice now. Also went through a period where I couldn't even breathe and listen to music at the same time (asthma or brain issues, or both, who knows.) So. Now I can listen to music and write, or talk, or breathe--somewhat--at the same time, and hence why Pandora is a literal lifesaver for me. So, so, so, so, so, so relieved, you guys.

So yeah. Life isn't easy, but it is good, genuinely good. :)


fhionnuisce: (Default)

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